Beans, beans!

God, had some chili for breakfast, was that ever a mistake. Beans are meant for dinner, so you can spend the night farting instead of the day. For a while I forgot about the chili and thought I must be about to have diarrhea. It's so bad I have to sniff my sweaty armpits for relief.

Castratiophobia

What if a deaf guy was taking a piss in some hedges, and the guy trimming the hedges was blind, so he didn't see the guy, and the deaf guy didn't hear him coming, and the trimming guy accidentally chopped the pissing guys's dick off?

Blackberry? More like...Sack's Hairy!

Whatever, only one word actually rhymes with blackberry, and it isn't funny.

The secretary walked around with a bowl of fresh picked blackberries today. They were disgusting. I said thank you through clentched teeth. I wonder how obvious the look of disgust on my face was?

Nude Beach

I did not make it to the nude beach this summer. But when you spend half of every day nude, it's not that big a deal, is it? I sleep nude, walk around the house nude as long as it's not cold, cook nude, unless there is a risk of hot oil splattering. Naked is the way to be.

Fart Harmony

There're repairs going on around the office including new radiators, all the old pipes are being changed. I went to take a dump today, and I was a little distracted playing backgammon on my phone. It felt like I was farting, but the sound was so weird. It sounded like pressure being released from a pipe through an open valve, high pitched, no rattling sound at all. It was so unlike a typical fart I had to shift positions to see if it would stop or not. It did. My ass is a one man band, apparently, thank you very much.

Lonely Weekend

I chart my weight. It goes in a wave, gradually downward, but it does go up every weekend due to drinking, mostly, and the drunk munchies that go with it. So this weekend I didn't drink at all. Did I break the wave? Not really. The whole family was away, so I was bored and there was nobody around to judge me, and I got stoned a few times, so I ended up eating just as much. Reminds me of the Simpsons/Futurama quote:

There are many good reasons to eat: Hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man.

Five meals a day sober = #2.

Ten Month Hiatus

You could call my absence for the past ten months a hiatus. But because I changed the name of the blog and its address, maybe you should call it something else. Something like a witness relocation deal. Yeah. I witnessed my vulgar, at times obscene, blog being googled by potential employers. This caused me to panic and shit it down.* But I can't keep my creativity bottled up anymore, and I stupidly signed up for facebook with my real name. So here we go again...


*shut it down.