Did George Carlin dress up as a fat old druid woman and get a job at Maxima?

The water coolers at my new workplace are in interesting places: inside the offices of people you shouldn't bother, certainly not for water. Therefore, every Monday I walk to a grocery store during my lunch break and buy a five liter jug of cheap water to drink throughout the week.

Today I had an interesting time. It began as every other: I walk in, see how many people are in line at each register: three or four. I decide to leave, turn around, take two steps, then change my mind. I need water, and I can just play backgammon on my phone while I wait in line.

I find my water, five liters for 2.25 lits. Did you know there's no symbol for lits? No $, no €, no £, no ¥: we are a nation whose currency has no face, merely a name. Anyways, I find my water, and resist all urges to buy food: I already have some food, left over fried chicken from last night, a drumstick and a thigh, and half a large cucumber. I get in line.

When I get up to the register I have this conversation:

"Just the water?"

"Yup."

"Coulda brought some from home. "

"What?"

"If you just brought some water from home you wouldn't need to buy any."

"Um...yeah. I guess. "

I immediately though, well I'd rather spend 2.25 a week on water than lug a jug from home on the bus. But then I though, what the hell was that, a delusion?! Did I dream that? Did the cashier at Maxima really purposely verbally discourage me from grocery shopping?

I don't have audio at the moment, but here's my best guess at the george carlin bit I remember. It should be the one when he's talking about how crazy it is to buy bottled water.

Article of the Day

A disgrace for the Democrats, by Michael Tomasky, is an interesting piece. The real reason I'm posting it here, though, is that the writing style reminds me of Lokys (...That's a joke, except not really...). Anyway, logical as the argument is, it proceeds from a premise I disagree with strongly: Tomasky believes congressmen should do,in their opinion, what's in their constituents best interests, even if their constituents don't want it: because, if they did want it, there would be no risk of not being reelected. I believe all your votes need to be cast on a referendum basis: every congressman, senator, and president should say to himself before every vote, "if this went to referendum in my district, what would the outcome be?"

Crap on a Coffee

As I was finishing up Shattered, by Dick Francis, on the bus this morning, I thought to myself, "Hmmm, my thermos feels pretty warm. I'm sure glad it's not leaking." Two minutes later when I finished the book I realized that my pants were wet. And not from pee. Though I would have rather pissed my pants than what did happen.

I removed my thermos on the crowded bus to see where the leak was. A tremendously helpful old man said to me, "Your thermos is leaking." I replied, "Oh really? Thanks. I didn't know that. I was taking it out to pour boiling coffee directly into my mouth." Well actually I just made that reply up, what I actually said was "Yes, thanks."

Then get this: as it seemed to me that there was no leak in the construction of the thermos, it must be that the cap is not secured, so I unscrewed the cup to check. What do you think happened? About a cupful of hot coffee poured all over my hand, sweater sleeve, and coat sleeve. Why the hell did I do that?! I suppose if I was holding a bomb in my hand, and wondering if it might blow up, I'd press the red button to find out.

I smiled at everyone who groaned at me, because what else could I do, cry?

When I got to work I had to spend a jolly morning inserting toilet paper between each of 838 pages of my Bedford Handbook, which is such a useful book that I keep it always in my brief case. Now it lies on my desk, five times its normal thickness, waiting for osmosis to run its course.

p.s. Shattered is not a very good book. It's okay, but predictable and I couldn't relate to any of the characters.

Article of the Day

Chicago's Pointless Handgun Ban, by Steve Chapman, give a clear and succinct review of the pointlessness of gun bans in America.

Aras and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Before I begin, I should note that my sensitivity to my special lady's menses has returned. If it seems like I'm overly upset, that's why (I can't tell myself because I have PMS).

8:05 a.m. I realized I forgot my watch. I said, "Crap! I should keep a spare watch in my brief case."

8:12 a.m. I missed the second of two buses I can take to work on Wednesdays without being too late. That means my special lady had to drive me to work through morning traffic. I said, "Shit!"

8:45 a.m. I found a watch in my pants pocket. I said to my students, "Wow! I thought today was going to be a rough day, but this is a good omen. Today's going to be a good day after all!"

11:45 a.m. On my way from one workplace to another I stopped I stopped at Maxima to by a liter of kefir for lunch (I'm on the no solids on certain Wednesdays diet). I was really hungry though, so I thought I'd skip the diet today if they still have the Kebab place in the shopping center. They didn't, so I bought the kefir and said to myself, "Well, maybe this is God's way of helping me with my diet."

12:30 p.m. It took me an extra fifteen minutes to walk to work because it was so icy. I got to my office and sat down, very hungry. I unscrewed the cap of my kefir to find that it had been opened already, and about a quarter of it had been drunk, before I purchased it. Because of the sidewalk-iciness and ton of work I had to do, I couldn't afford to go back even though I did have the receipt. I said to myself, "Fuckin shit you goddam mother fucker, fuck you! Nahui blet, fuck you!" Well, I actually just thought that one, or felt the equivalent.

12:45 p.m. I went to get some chinese food across the street. It's cheap for the lunch specials, so I go there sometimes (but never on Wednesdays). I ordered without looking at the menu to save time, because I know the menu, but they didn't bring the tea with the food as they usually do. Though they did bring it later, they brought it late enough that I fretted about not checking the menu, because maybe they actually changed lunch specials. Also, for some reason, they brought me double cabbage salad insead of steamed rice. I guess they ran out of rice, but I couldn't ask it that's why because the waitress is actually Chinese; so, I just said to myself, "Well, maybe this is God's way of helping me with my diet...again...He seems to be going nuts with that today."

3:15 p.m. my boss comes to get me for a meeting: it's an anual "academic soviet and commutiy meeting." I might have know about it, but I don't pay attention to bullitin boards (I'm from the 20th century in America, so...I only pay attention to emails and what's new on the website). At least we were late for it together. But why they would schedule a two hour meeting at 3 when work ends at 4:30 is beyond me. So not only did my miss my 4:42 bus, I also missed the 5:05 bus. All I could by this point say was "Ugh," and frown. I missed my barber appointment.

6:12 p.m. When I got most of the way home with the #50 bus, the online schedule for the #112 bus turned out to be bullshit; my connection would not be coming soon, as it should. By then all I was too tired to say anything besides "Please come pick me up" to my special lady over the phone. She did: she's the best! Even if her estrogen does invade me like the hordes of Mongolians once a month...