Have Diarrhea, Will Travel

Or, ‎"From each according to his ability to give a shit"

Or, ‎"Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to China"

• Don't drink the water, even from water coolers, even at classy hotels: they fill them up from the hose, I saw them at it, and I spent my last four days there running to the john
• Do get the Chinese medicine when you get diarrhea; it won't cure you, but it's so cheap, you'd be stupid not to buy it!
• Don't bother bringing booze: their local ~90 proof liquor is cheaper than western brand name bottled water, and if you like, it comes in gallon jugs.
• Do BYOB if you don't like liquorice, that's what they flavor their stuff with.
• Don't expect anybody to speak (or admit to speaking) much English, even in four star hotels.
• Do make sure taxi drivers turn on the meter, unless you like having incoherent bilingual arguments
• Don't expect anybody to care outside of the markets: the only place anybody cares what you have to say is the place they get your cash direct; hotels, restaurants, shops, all the places where employees get paid by someone other than you will have the worst customer service ever

Incidentally, I was in China summer of 2011. I just found this draft lying around my blog post draft box now. 

Exercise Time

I was all set to go to the gym and get a membership when within two days I got requests from two different people for private English lessons. So unless I don't want to see my family during the work week for the next two months, going to the gym is out.

I'll have a 15 minute walk to get to a convenient bus stop--so why don't I bring dumbbells with me so I can power walk? Then, I could also exercise with the dumbbells on the bus! That'd be another 20 minutes of weight lifting right there.

All that's left is figure out the garb. I guess I'd have to bring clothes and change everyday, cause I'd look retarded lifting weights on the city bus with my suit on.

Fat Bus Bitch

You ever sitting on a bus and a fat bitch sits down next to you? And it pushes you half way out of your seat cause she's so fat? Goddamn it!

But I keep me mouth shut just in case I run for office someday.

Shitty Waitress

Walked into a Gusto Blyninė today and noticed a sign for Žemaičių blynai. When I asked how are they, she didn't know. When I asked how much they cost, she also did not know. When I suggested the price accompany the name of the dish on the sign, she exclaimed, "That's what the menu's for!"

I then discovered the price in the menu isn't even correct; there's a insert with each weekday's lunch special with a different price than regularly listed.

What a shitty waitress.

Rubber Ducky

There once was a rubber ducky,
With a johnson so long he could sucky;
He stumbled along till he fell on his dong
And then he no longer felt lucky.

I have to take a piss

That's just one of the many interesting tidbits I used to be able to write into facebook. Alas, although I've managed to keep my extended family and coworkers at bay, too many of my friends have not. It's turned into a PG scene where offending anybody is against the rules. Fuck it, that's why I'm back to blogging.

No Calls, Please

I had an off site meeting on Friday. I got a call that there were some mistakes in my paper work, so student visa documents couldn't be sent out as planned. That pretty much ruined my whole weekend. I had nightmares about it.

Early Monday I showed up to correct the mistakes. Turns out there weren't any mistakes, besides one typo. But the mistakes for which the documents could not be sent were non-existent. Mother fuckers.

Moral of the story: no phone calls from work Friday afternoons, mother fuckers.

Beans, beans!

God, had some chili for breakfast, was that ever a mistake. Beans are meant for dinner, so you can spend the night farting instead of the day. For a while I forgot about the chili and thought I must be about to have diarrhea. It's so bad I have to sniff my sweaty armpits for relief.

Castratiophobia

What if a deaf guy was taking a piss in some hedges, and the guy trimming the hedges was blind, so he didn't see the guy, and the deaf guy didn't hear him coming, and the trimming guy accidentally chopped the pissing guys's dick off?

Blackberry? More like...Sack's Hairy!

Whatever, only one word actually rhymes with blackberry, and it isn't funny.

The secretary walked around with a bowl of fresh picked blackberries today. They were disgusting. I said thank you through clentched teeth. I wonder how obvious the look of disgust on my face was?

Nude Beach

I did not make it to the nude beach this summer. But when you spend half of every day nude, it's not that big a deal, is it? I sleep nude, walk around the house nude as long as it's not cold, cook nude, unless there is a risk of hot oil splattering. Naked is the way to be.

Fart Harmony

There're repairs going on around the office including new radiators, all the old pipes are being changed. I went to take a dump today, and I was a little distracted playing backgammon on my phone. It felt like I was farting, but the sound was so weird. It sounded like pressure being released from a pipe through an open valve, high pitched, no rattling sound at all. It was so unlike a typical fart I had to shift positions to see if it would stop or not. It did. My ass is a one man band, apparently, thank you very much.

Lonely Weekend

I chart my weight. It goes in a wave, gradually downward, but it does go up every weekend due to drinking, mostly, and the drunk munchies that go with it. So this weekend I didn't drink at all. Did I break the wave? Not really. The whole family was away, so I was bored and there was nobody around to judge me, and I got stoned a few times, so I ended up eating just as much. Reminds me of the Simpsons/Futurama quote:

There are many good reasons to eat: Hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man.

Five meals a day sober = #2.

Ten Month Hiatus

You could call my absence for the past ten months a hiatus. But because I changed the name of the blog and its address, maybe you should call it something else. Something like a witness relocation deal. Yeah. I witnessed my vulgar, at times obscene, blog being googled by potential employers. This caused me to panic and shit it down.* But I can't keep my creativity bottled up anymore, and I stupidly signed up for facebook with my real name. So here we go again...


*shut it down.

Kill the pig. Cut her throat. Bash her in.

Actually May 20, 2010:

When the Pig Man called last month to ask us if we want half a pig delivered on the day the pig delivery boy come by our neighborhood, we said yes. Luckily Gedas was coming for e visit, so we were planning on throwing a party anyway--half hogs weigh between 66 and 110 lbs., and by the time the deliver truck got to our house the smallest one the had left was 90 lbs; we didn't expect it to fit in our freezer, even though we have a separate stand alone one. Also, I'd never butchered anything larger than a chicken before, so here's how it went.

Article of the Day

Global Warming -- RIP, by Victor Davis Hanson, is a good article. His last paragraph sums up my position precicly: "We simply don't know positively whether recent human activity has caused the planet to warm up to dangerous levels. But we do know that those who insist it does are sometimes disingenuous, often profit-minded, and nearly always impractical."

Won't anybody please think of the children?

MA1T1N1MA5 VA1KAM5 is a great charity that feeds children.

Article of the Day

Red, White and Angry
: Communist, Nazi parties endorse ‘Occupy’ protests, By David Martosko

The protests have been endorsed by the Communists, Nazis, Democrats, and Obama himself. I wonder which of the parties the POTUS identifies with?

Article of the Day

Obama vs. ATMs: Why Technology Doesn't Destroy Jobs, Doing more with less is what economic growth is all about, by RUSSELL ROBERTS, is what made me stop thinking Obama is out to get America and start thinking that he's so stupid he's doing it by mistake.

Riese Mimosa

One part white wine

One part 7 Up

One part red cabbage juice