Have Diarrhea, Will Travel

Or, ‎"From each according to his ability to give a shit"

Or, ‎"Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to China"

• Don't drink the water, even from water coolers, even at classy hotels: they fill them up from the hose, I saw them at it, and I spent my last four days there running to the john
• Do get the Chinese medicine when you get diarrhea; it won't cure you, but it's so cheap, you'd be stupid not to buy it!
• Don't bother bringing booze: their local ~90 proof liquor is cheaper than western brand name bottled water, and if you like, it comes in gallon jugs.
• Do BYOB if you don't like liquorice, that's what they flavor their stuff with.
• Don't expect anybody to speak (or admit to speaking) much English, even in four star hotels.
• Do make sure taxi drivers turn on the meter, unless you like having incoherent bilingual arguments
• Don't expect anybody to care outside of the markets: the only place anybody cares what you have to say is the place they get your cash direct; hotels, restaurants, shops, all the places where employees get paid by someone other than you will have the worst customer service ever

Incidentally, I was in China summer of 2011. I just found this draft lying around my blog post draft box now. 

New Bike Route, First Spill in a Long Time

This is my old route.

This is my new route.

It skims 100 meters off my trek, and replaces two hills that require a little work to one hill I can practically coast up.

Unfortunately, most of the new route is a dirt road, and part of it is a foot path through the woods and around some building. On the way home from work yesterday I went over this concrete slab lying across the path, but took little note of it because it was just a drop, not a real obstruction. This morning, however, going the other direction, going quickly, going through the morning dew with shitty brakes, it was a definitely a real obstruction. It obstructingly sent my ass tumbling over the handle bars and onto the ground is what it did! You know what, though? It was worth it to find out that I'm still young enough to take a spill like that with no lasting pain and ride the rest of the way to work with no delay.

Coincidence

Last week I made a reservation at the Katerina Hotel, but I haven't been able to get a written confirmation. When I called the concierge assured me the room is mine, but when I asked them for a confirmation by fax or email, he proceeded to dictate to me his email address. I took it, to email him to explain what I needed in writing, but he still didn't email me back.

Today I booked a room at Novus Hotel next door. Planning on canceling the Katerina Hotel booking as soon as Novus confirmed, I then had this confusing email exchange:

DEAR MRS VEBRA

WE ARE PLEASED TO RESERVE A SINGLE ROOM FOR YOU AT THE PRICE OF 75E PER NIGHT. IF YOU AGREE PLEASE INFORM US TO PROCEED AT THE RESERVATION.WE WILL NEED ALSO A CREDIT CARD NUMBER AS A GUARANTEE FOR YOUR RESERVATION.

KIND REGARDS

KATERINA

FRONT DESK

I agree, thank you very much. I'm Mr. Vebra, by the way.

Let me make get something clear: is Novus Hotel the same as Hotel Katerina?

MR VEBRA,

NOVUS HOTEL IS LOCATED CLOSE TO HOTEL KATERINA. IT IS A 4 STARS HOTEL AND IF YOU LIKE YOU CAN ALSO VISIT OUR WEB SITE. ALSO WE CONFIRM YOUR RESERVATION AND WE ARE PLEASED TO WELCOMING YOU IN OUR HOTEL.

WE ARE AT YOUR DISPOSAL FOR ANY FURTHER INFORMATION

REGARDS

KATERINA

FRONT DESK

Ok, so my reservation is confirmed at Novus Hotel, right? (I ask because your signature says Katerina Front Desk)

WE CONFIRM YOUR RESERVATION.BY THE WAY MY NAME IS KATERINA AND I’ M WORKING AT THE FRONT DESK.

REGARDS

If there's a place in France where the naked ladies dance, we didn't go there.

"Ah, France!" That's what I say now after I burp in stead of atsiprašau. You see, I didn't meet any Frenchmen on my travels who dispelled the notion I have of them as rude bastards; therefore, the notion has been corroborated by lack of negation.

Shall I begin at the beginning? No that's boring. And I'll also skip my review of Ryanair because that'll be a-whole-nother blog entry.

Wednesday

We showed up at the subway station and met Moacir in the evening as planned. Our journey to Paris was almost over. We drank a beer on the walk from the subway to his place--it's not Vilnius, he explained, nobody cares if you drink in the street. Fine by me.

We got to his place and unloaded our stuff. If I had condensed this to one my my "Dos and Don'ts of a Trip" write-ups, the first do would be Do stay with Moacir. The convenience of getting extensive daily practical guidance and having a local as a companion most of the time was invaluable. When we arrived he had some leek and potato soup prepared for us, some stinky cheeses, and a very interesting tasty cake. It's a King Cake, which is illegal in America because there's a surprise inside: a plastic toy. Whoever get the toy in his piece of cake is then made king by a cardboard crown that comes with the cake.

Conclusion: Grocery store food in France is great!

Thursday

We took the subway to the Harlem of Paris, Barbès Street. You walk out of the subway and dozens of Africans try to sell you contraband Marlboro Reds. Your wife says, wow, everybody's so black in Paris! You go to eat and there's no pork. So it was a neat place to see, and in fact the restaurant we went to, Le Nioumré, was excellent. I got the lamb and my special lady got the chicken. They were served in metal bowls with lots of sauce and a huge platter of rice on the side for the two of us, we served ourselves onto blank plates. My sauce was a regular red sauce, hers was a very spicy lemon sauce. Delicious as it was, we couldn't finish it. We ate all the meat, but there was rice and sauce left, which is a winning combination in my book, but I simply couldn't eat anymore. That never happens!

We then strolled through a gorgeous park up the hill to the The Basilica of the Sacred Heart of Jesus of Paris (Sacré-Cœur Basilica). It had fascinating stairs, especially the railings: they were concrete replicas of wood, but they were so well done that in the spot on a log where moss might grown between the timber and a piece of bark, moss grew here, too. Neato.

After a bunch of walking around and looking at stuff came the most unpleasant part of the trip. My special lady went up to the first landing of the long stairway up to the Basilica, and I stayed down at the bottom to photograph her. But she never showed up on the first landing. Fearing she'd been accosted, I ran to follow, luckily, because it turned out I was right: a bunch of Africans had blocked her path up and forced her to try on a bracelet, and then tried to force her to pay for it. I got there just in time. They tried to do the same to me, but I had none of it, and got her the fuck out of there, but not without taunts and insults from them. We left with a dilemma rather than the picture we wanted: if I didn't have my wife with me to protect I wouldn't have held my tongue (which surely would have gotten me into a fight); but, if I didn't have my wife with me, I wouldn't have had anything to do with them in the first place.

Next we meandered to an art show for an Antanas Sutkus exhibition. The wine was poor but it was free. The art was good but expensive, and anyway we weren't about to start buying books to fly home with. This was about the time we came across our first pee pod: free public toilets that wash themselves after every use. They are very useful, but I think after every use is overkill: besides the waste, you have to wait a minute between each person's use, and add to that the time it takes for the door to automatically open, close, and then again open, and close. If Moacir, my special lady, and I all go to pee, it takes five whole minutes. She and I usually went in together to save time, but that's technically against the rules.

We went home, ate some baguettes and delicious stinky cheese, and began watching Community, a very good show that we ended up watching a few episodes of most evenings.

Friday

Moacir doesn't work Fridays, so we took off together in the morning. We walked from his place to the Eiffel Tower, seeing many things on the way--not a short distance, about four miles. But also did an obscene amount of shopping on the way; we estimated an additional four miles walking around shopping centers. We were very tired by the time we got to the tower (I would have gladly given up and picnicked on a bus stop bench), but the picnic lunch was fantastic: baguettes, some other whole-wheaty sort of bread, hummus, some other spicy sauce, two types of olives, smoked sausage, various stincky cheeses, swiss cheese, Arugula, three bottles of wine, and two cans of Dr. Pepper.

We had to sit down on the most secluded bench in the park overlooked by the Eiffel Tower because, although drinking in public is not against the rules in Paris, it is against the rules in this park. You might guess that to keep tourists from getting to rowdy, but I suspect it's to keep tourists from seeing all the Parisian winos. We began with the refreshing soda, which my special lady and I hadn't tasted for years since we were in Minneapolis last. Long time for Moacir too, so that was a tasty treat. We moved on to the wine and olives, the hummus and bread, then the cheese and sausage and baguettes and lettuce, which we used for sandwiches. Moacir had brought wine glasses, so we were styling.

One cop rode by about forty feet from us, so luckily we moved our glasses into extra discreet position, because seconds later two other cops rode up on horseback just ten feet away behind Moacir's back. He heard them coming, and so didn't look. One stopped, then the other stopped and backed up, and I, having been caught mid-sentence, was then obliged to keep talking, to feign nonchalance, and with my voice slightly raised, to make sure they could hear that we speak a language they don't know. Of course, we probably might English too, but what horse-riding frog-eating surrender-monkey cop wants the trouble having to explain that you can't drink wine here in English to people who might not even understand English, or at least his English? Not these two, because they turned around and went the other way. Success.

We went home, played a little buck euchre, my special lady took her reprieve, one of Moacir's friends, Linas, show up, and we played Tūkstantis till the cows came home (cows come home at 3a.m.).

Saturday

Waking up at 8 a.m. after those stupid cows came home last night--not the funnest moment of the trip. But we had an early engagement, so we had to get going. By ten o'clockish we were at the French National Assembly, which is apparently a big deal. Some Frenchman on the street was surprised we were getting a tour. Anybody who passes a background check can tour our Parliament in Vilnius. Isn't the same true for Congress the States?

The Assembly was interesting. Well, the only part that was really neat for me was the two faced painting of the king. Some legend went with it, and it was neat.

After that we went with some of the other young folks for lunch. The food was not expensive and the wine was okay. But there was something off about the food. At first it was a meat sandwich, good, and something I couldn't quite put my finger on... potatoes! Potatoes au gratin in the sandwich! Potato chips may well make for a tasty sandwich addition. Potatoes au gratin do not.

Sunday

We went to a world famous falafel place—some rock star loves the food there. We walked aournd town again and went to see the Notre Dame cathedral. We ended up at a bar called WOS where the owner, Pierre, loves Lithuanians. We went there to watch the Seattle Seahawks play the Chicago Bears, I think it was an important game leading up o the Super Bowl. Moacir kept singing the fight song over and over again:

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.

Monday

We tried to go to the catacombs, but they were closed. We finally made it out to the toy store. I always try to bring back locally-made tradition gifts: a dress for the wife, a doll for the #1 daughter, and a souvenir shot glass for myself. I give the dolls local names. The glasses are the hardest to find locally-made, but the others can be too. Often the best I can find is not-made-in-China. But I always try. We got a few addresses for toy stores, and the first one was good enough: we got #1 a kitchen set with plastic dishes and utensils made in France, and we got the #2 a squeaking chicken made in the Philippines (I still think it’s actually a dog toy, but she likes it).

On the way back we stopped for pizza. I always like to try the pizza whereever I go. The best I’ve had in Europe was in Denmark, but it was made by an English born Arab. The best I’ve ever had in the States was delivered in Buffalo, I’m trying to remember the name of the place. The French pizza was pretty good, but what I really like was that each pizza came with a condiment: hot pepper oil.

Tuesday

We succeeded in getting into the catacombs. The story is at some point in the 18th century there wasn’t any more room in Paris to bury people (Paris is actually smaller than Vilnius), so they decided to turn former mines into catacombs. All the human bones buried in Paris were transferred there because they had piled up so much there were starting to cause disease—the catacombs contain the remains of about 6,000,000 people! The bones are stacked to fit in most places. It's pretty unbelievable. On the way out the guard stopped us to check our bags. When we asked if people steal bones he showed us a few. I asked him if those were from this morning, as a joke, but he said yes. There was a skull and seven other bones.

In this evening we went back to the Eiffel Tower: seeing it in the twighlight was my special lady's dream come true. It was a good thing we went back because evening is when all the bootleggers are out selling souvenirs. We bought two large mini Eiffel Tower and five small mini Eiffel Tower for 3€. They would have cost at least triple that in shops.

Wednesday we went home.

Wanna Business Trip Report Fast?

I present here a generic business trip report practically nobody couldn't hand in. Fill in a few blanks and maybe you'll need to change a few words. But far fewer than I had to change after finding this sample.

In ________I attended meetings in ________which were held at _________. The meeting leader was _________, a lecturer and administrator at _________.

We talked about strategic alignment – how important it is that our office enables our office strategy, which supports our institution’s strategy. We looked at the challenges presented today. We must use multiple media and build relationships– not just service short term needs.

We learned the “why, what, how, who, when” of a broad array of technologies, from basic functions to advanced tools. We started with a discussion about infrastructure.

We talked about capabilities, at both basic and advanced levels. We also looked at advanced management tools such as workforce management systems, simulation tools, and quality and logging systems. We talked about self service and the powerful case it can have with the right application opportunities. We discussed things like conditional and skills based systems. The advanced technologies will help delivering better service to our students.

We looked at the specific capabilities of each technology, as well as the challenges it addresses. For each one, we discussed the major issues. Updates to this will be available to us on an ongoing basis.

The instructor explained how the various technologies work together, and how different configurations could address similar issues. We also talked about the benefits to the institution, manager, the office, and of course, the student.

We had group exercises to apply what we were learning, and a lot of good discussion among the group members. In addition to the materials already mentioned, the course packet included a number of other useful takeaways, including a glossary, and a brochure.

I think this course was worth attending. I would recommend that others from our organization attend. I learned a lot about the many technologies and have new ideas about why they make sense in our work and what we should do next.

Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to Poland

• Don't be surprised when a bum buys you two rounds of shots
• Do tell the buffet breakfast host at the hotel you're reading The Lord of the Rings when she asks--later when you can't find your group she'll ask you if you're looking for Gollum
• Don't just bring one bottle of booze
• Do make sure you're bringing appropriate t-shirts if you're grabbing inside out ones while packing, otherwise you'll have to hand wash the one wearable one
• Don't ask the Russian professor--Aleksandre Popov--if you can get shot of shitty vodka
• Do bring something inconspicuous to read during the boring parts of the workshops
• Don't believe the promises of lunch; therefore,
• Do make your own lunch sandwiches at the breakfast buffet
• Don't take off your headphones whey you get bored, if you just turn off your receiver nobody can tell your not listening anymore

Dos and don’ts of another Trip to Cyprus

• Do insist that your eye-catching, seductive, appealing , glamorous , stunning, glimmering, exotic, alluring, foxy, marvelous, lovely, enticing, dazzling wife come: you’ll be lonely without your beautiful, intelligent, becoming, kind, well-chosen and forever increasingly sexually attractive soul mate.
• Don't break your toothbrush as soon as you get there...brushing all week with a one inch brush is sucky.
• Do turn on the central air for your room at night: even if the temperature is right without it, the whirring noise will block out the maniacal screaming from next door.
• Don’t overpay at the convenience store—too greedy: when my deodorant rang up too high I though fuck it, arguing about price correctness is hard enough on your own turf, and I do need some deodorant, but then the prick rung up the juice too high also, so I pointed out his two mistakes and paid the right price for both.
• Do eat the "prawn cocktail" flavored chips.
• Don't eat anything that doesn't taste good.
• Do take a full bottle of wine every time you leave a room with wine on the table.
• Don't expect to be fed sooner than an hour after the 350 person buffet begins.
• Do complain that your minibar isn’t cold at all; it’s quite funny just how profusely the hotel staff is taught to apologize.
• Don't wait an hour after eating to go swimming, it might get cloudy.
• Do order yourself some poached eggs and waffles or pancakes or french toast to end the monotony of the buffet breakfast, it's free!
• Don't pose for too many pictures with beautiful ladies or another even more, much more beautiful and pregnant lady might think you should have called more often.
• Do brush off the waiter who slept on his wine pouring duty: "Excuse me sir, I should pour the wine." "Too late buddy, I'm doing it now!"
• Don't expect to gain less than five pounds if you enjoy yourself to excess.
• Do go ahead and stock up on cigars and pipes at the Alpha-Mega grocery store, they're cheaper than in Lithuania.
• Don't laugh too hysterically when your colleagues opens a beer and it sprays all over her.
• Do go on all the excursions you can, the sights of Cyprus are splendid.
• Don't forget to bring some palm trees back for your special lady.

Dos and don’ts of Another Trip to Italy

Do guarantee great weather: positive thinking affects your environment; the terrible forecast will turn out to be right no more than half the time if you think positively enough.

Don’t forget that your wife hates museums.

Do buy the hat at the market for €5; it’s identical to the one at the Jewish department store for €35.

Don’t accidentally drop your new hat in the toilet and not notice, your wife will piss all over it.

Do bid 11 low when your wife has 31, because otherwise she’ll go out anyway; this way you can pick up four tricks in the blind and set her back to 20 and come back to win the game!

Don’t go to any indoor tourists sites at anytime past 9 a.m., the lines will be longer than [Man with the longest dick in the world] when he’s horny.

Do eat as many of the broccoli-sausage pastries as humanly possible, they are the most delicious thing on the whole freakin’ planet.

Don’t eat at the Chinese place: the Italians avoid it for good reason. (Since they’ve never seen a Chinese funeral, they’re suspicious of where the old Chinese folks end up!)

Do take the batteries out of the remote control when you get to the hotel unless you want someone to keep it on all the time.

Don’t check your email all week: it’s quite refreshing.

Do drink lots of wine.

Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to Amsterdam

• Do get some cash at the ATM before getting in a cab to your hotel. 
• Don't worry if you forget to do that, you can have the hotel give you some cash on your room's bill to cover it. 
• Do explicitly forbid them at the front desk from charging you for your room ahead of time and with an exorbitant deposit that will leave you penniless. 
• Don't bother going out for dinner more than a couple times, the tapas is good and plenty. 
• Do get the lamb with rosemary sauce when you do go out to dinner at a pub style place, it so good that every bite will be the tastiest bite of anything in your life. 
• Don’t wait for your change if the atmosphere is growing oppressive: follow your instincts and get the hell out of any place that is about to collapse from the unbelievable amount of noise. 
• Do eat a giant breakfast including three fresh baked croissants and a heaping pile of bacon every day. 
• Don't walk thought the parks alone at night (that's what the receptionist told us).
• Do try everything, except the hookers!
• Don't be vague about trying the hookers, somebody might misunderstand (and think you had a bad experience with a hooker instead of no experience besides seeing them). 
• Do walk around the red light district at night.
• Don't be afraid to feel like a kid at Disney Land.
• Do take lots of pictures so nobody gets mad at you for not taking a lot of pictures again. 
• Don't skip the ice cream parlor, it’s so good while you’re eating you won’t be sure whether it’s a dream or not. 
• Do use the buddy system; it’s very reassuring to wander around with somebody else in a city with a billion identical canal crossings. 
  

Wives: the best butts of jokes!

Highlight from America #1

While walking through a park in Brooklyn, Darius and I were kicking a crushed pepsi bottle back and forth, until Ellen got frustrated with us and began walking ahead of us with my special baby. Then, instead of kicking it back and forth to each other directly, we kicked it back and forth to each other by bank shotting it off of Ellen's heels/legs. And I thought, if my wife were here, we'd be kicking this soda bottle at her heels, too. Hooray wives!

America, Fuck Yeah!

I've just returned from a month in the States. I had an awesome time with my family and friends; in fact I'm still recovering from an excess of awesomeness. The thought of writing about it all at once makes me groan and see spots, so I'll just tell you about it bit by bit, or whatever.

Dos and don’ts of another trip to Portugal

Do, when they give you a cup with your can of beer on the plane, do use it, rather than accidentally tear a hair out of your moustache with the can tab. Ouch.

Don’t skip the “bretzels” in the Frankfurt airport; they’re a delicious rip off of giant pretzels.

Do throw up when you see the obese woman shoving her way through the buffet line mowing (sp?) all the food on her plate in between each dish.

Don’t go to a city called Coimbra, where everyone’s a tense turd and nothing good can ever happen.

Do be very patient with the wine “expert” at the nice restaurant who insists there is no such thing as dry Portuguese wine.

Don’t give the unhelpful colleagues the bottle of 999 you brought them as a gift.

Do mix it with red bull and sprite instead, a delicious cocktail I invented.

Do, if you happen to go to that town despite my warning, eat at Eurotropica, a delicious pizzeria.

Don’t go to Eurotropica without a translator, and don’t sit in the retarded waiter’s section (I asked for a certain pizza to be made with pepperoni, and he said, “you mean instead of cheese?” and when the pizzas came he’d had them added to the wrong pizza)

Do, if the water is giving you a rash on you legs, just use the bidet and sponge down your armpits.

Don’t skip the sauna and Jacuzzi.

Do get all you work done as quickly as possible.

Don’t leave your key card in your room when you leave

Do bring crocs, you’ll be fine in them.

Don’t bring sandals, because it’ll be way too cold. –Aurelija

Do, when getting directions in Coimbra, go the opposite way they tell you. –Aurelija

Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to Italy

• Do expect to eat pizza at least once a day.
• Don't leave home without soap and shampoo and every other toiletry besides toilet paper. Even if you run out of that, all the toilets have butt washes.
• Do get the spicy pasta, though all the pastas are great.
• Don't get frustrated when it takes hours to find the restaurant you're looking for, all the best places are well-hidden.
• Do buy three pounds of sausage to bring home, it's awesome!
• Don't miss the Parthenon, or the crypt, what's it called, weinerschnitzel
• Do start taking a siesta from day one, lest you be off kilter with all the shops, which are closed from 1-4 p.m. for lunch.
• Don't visit during one of the ecological days, when driving a car is forbidden; if you do this by accident, do not walk the kilometer to the trainstation with your 26.5 kg. suitcase.

Dos and Don'ts of a trip to Greece

• Do bring your wife!
• Don't have your heart set on your plans: the Greeks might have a national strike, but announce it so late you can't change your flight
• Do spend your now 17 hour layover (due to the strike) in Prague site seeing and buying souvenirs; get on the bus tour, it's a great deal and you can sleep on it if you already know the city well enough
• Don't spring for a nice hotel for the night you now have to spend in Athens (due to the strike); it won't be long enough for you to enjoy it, and the breakfast isn't work 80 euros
• Do pack everything you need for three days into your carry on, because your bags won't be arriving the same day as you
• Don't pay the surprise gratuity they try to force on you in Prague or Ioannina (or anywhere), they're tricky asshole waiters, but you just have to refuse
• Do shotgun beers behind the museum in the dark
• Don't let your digital camera, which has been having problems, freeze (it won't take pictures anymore)
• Do expect snow in the winter, not a tan
• Don't dress warm if you smoke, you can smoke inside everywhere, even the airport
• Do dress warm if you don't smoke, we had to eat outside with our gloves on to avoid you, your clothes, and hair reeking of cigarette smoke from every singe cafe/restaurant/bar.

Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to Latvija

• Do bake cookies for your colleagues on the bus
• Don't use 4 minutes mixed oats instead of 1 minutes instant oats for oatmeal-raisin cookies
• Don't order anything with mushroom sauce in Biržai
• Do give them your Lugan passport at the border, the U.S. one will need to be checked for 10 minutes
• Don't stay anyplace besides where i stayed, if you like a fantastic breakfast, a fifteen foot three room single with a giant bed, flat screen tv, and free wifi.
• Do bring your laptop to the seminar, it'll get boring at the end, boring (I'm writing this during the Belorussian's speech)
• Don't save room for lunch during the first coffee break, the croissant sandwiches are way better than the buffet lunch (also when the Latvian told us about lunch he pronounced the T in "buffet lunch")
• Do drink on the bus on the way home

Dos and Don'ts of a Trip to Cyprus

• Do spend your long layover in Prague in the corner booth at KFC, it has an outlet, with something from duty free
• Don't bring any umbrellas
• Do bring a variety of shorts
• Don't bring any suit jackets
• Do bring an adapter, they got stupid-style plugs
• Don't take anybody seriously, they're all jokers
• Do try to stay in a hotel on the beach, but not necessarily Lenios Bitch Hotel (if you like clean rooms with running toilets and internet)
• Don't fill up on the first 19 courses at dinner
• Do get ready to stuff yourself with the 20th course: "shifty yeah!" It's delicious beef balls.
• Don't leave room for dessert, it's made from soap...we ate it just to be polite, but we couldn't help from looking at each other trying to figure out another solution.
• Do ask the waiter to buy some of the house wine, he'll give you a bottle as a gift!
• Don't wait till the afternoon to buy anything from the fruit market, they're closed.
• Do call ahead wherever you want to go, other places are closed at weird times too.
• Don't be afraid to save wine bottles from hitting the airport floor with your bare ankle; the bottles will be worth the bruise.
• Do bring your special lady!

Adding Spinach to Dune Casserole is a good way to get more Spinach in your diet

One thing I forgot from Darius and Ellen's wedding is this. See, Darius was planning to wear a tux, so I was too. He changed his mind with several days left, but we were already on route, and my special lady had planned to match my level of elegance...with just the luggage we had, we couldn't change. So oddly, the the most formal wardrobe that evening wasn't worn at the alter, it was at the Krupnikas Toast.

So this camera man came up to me early on and asked me if I'm the groom. Of course I say, "Yes."

He explains that he works for the vinyard we're at and they are making a promotional ad about the place a site for weddings. Would I give him permission to film some of the festivities and use it for the vignette? I respond, "Will I be able to get a copy of the raw footage?"

He guesses I will. "Well, there's a few things I'd really like included, then," I explain, "which you probably won't use for your movie, but I'd like in the raw footage you'll give me. It won't take long. Just get a decent shot of all the good cleavage in the house. Then I'll point out a few guys, you go up behind them and kick them in the ass, and film their indignation; tell them it's all part of the show. Okay?"

Shocked, he mutters about just wanting some candid shots. "Well, if you want something so humdrum, I'm not interested. Why don't you ask the real groom? He's right over there!"

Sweden Part C

Then Friday was workshop day. We had a couple workshops, the notes of which should be published in the future (I still have to type mine up because they're indecipherable, everybody thought we were only going to present them orally). I'll add them to this post or another post too. It was very interesting, the first one anyway. The working group was half made up of people I'd already talked with quite a bit, including a Hungarian dude with whom I wrote a bi-lateral, a lovely Turk with whom I also wrote one, a passionate Austrian, a talkative Portuguese doctor and a thought Finnish Canadian. The topic was preparing teachers for global classrooms, and it was a fun discussion, I was disappointed we had to cut it off after an hour and a half. The next Workshop was less intersting.

That afternoon was the least interesting ever. The least important speakers always get bumped to Friday afternoon, when nobody feels like listening anymore, which reinforces the lack of enthusiasm. The last guy droned on about like who his wife was or something for like five minutes, at which point I decided to take a bathroom break for about an hour. I went back with five minutes left to make sure I didn't miss anything, and saw that about half the hall had opted likewise.

Sweden: a series of successes...no wait, those are called blunders!

So my trip to Sweden began with alot of quality moments, letäs see if i can remember all of them. Hmm. No. Iäm surely forgetting some, cause this wonät make up a series, but letäs see anyway. Upon arrival I put down my stuff at an ATM to take out some swedish crowns. When I was done I noticed a wet spot around my duty free bag. I guess I put it down too hard. Sorry Sarunai, no starka for us. Ö(

Then, possibly because Iäd had to be up since four, or more likely because I couldnät stop day dreaming about my sepcial lady, I was about to get off the shuttle bus without my jacket. Luckily I was traveling with a couple women who helped me out. Then I was about to get off the subway without my suitcase. nice. i had to get up at four though, so thatäs my excuse, plus i couldnät stop daydreaming about my special lady.

The Real Austria Highlight

The best thing I'm willing to write about Austria that I didn't mention in the first volume is the cheese burger I ate on the way there. I made it before leaving, with blue cheese inside and green pepper instead of lettuce, cause lettuce would have wilted. Smothered in Hellman's mayo and Heinz bbq (not the best bbq but it is the best in Lithuania and perfectly cromulent). Oh man, it was so good...maybe I'll make another one tonight...