Dos and don’ts of another Trip to Cyprus

• Do insist that your eye-catching, seductive, appealing , glamorous , stunning, glimmering, exotic, alluring, foxy, marvelous, lovely, enticing, dazzling wife come: you’ll be lonely without your beautiful, intelligent, becoming, kind, well-chosen and forever increasingly sexually attractive soul mate.
• Don't break your toothbrush as soon as you get there...brushing all week with a one inch brush is sucky.
• Do turn on the central air for your room at night: even if the temperature is right without it, the whirring noise will block out the maniacal screaming from next door.
• Don’t overpay at the convenience store—too greedy: when my deodorant rang up too high I though fuck it, arguing about price correctness is hard enough on your own turf, and I do need some deodorant, but then the prick rung up the juice too high also, so I pointed out his two mistakes and paid the right price for both.
• Do eat the "prawn cocktail" flavored chips.
• Don't eat anything that doesn't taste good.
• Do take a full bottle of wine every time you leave a room with wine on the table.
• Don't expect to be fed sooner than an hour after the 350 person buffet begins.
• Do complain that your minibar isn’t cold at all; it’s quite funny just how profusely the hotel staff is taught to apologize.
• Don't wait an hour after eating to go swimming, it might get cloudy.
• Do order yourself some poached eggs and waffles or pancakes or french toast to end the monotony of the buffet breakfast, it's free!
• Don't pose for too many pictures with beautiful ladies or another even more, much more beautiful and pregnant lady might think you should have called more often.
• Do brush off the waiter who slept on his wine pouring duty: "Excuse me sir, I should pour the wine." "Too late buddy, I'm doing it now!"
• Don't expect to gain less than five pounds if you enjoy yourself to excess.
• Do go ahead and stock up on cigars and pipes at the Alpha-Mega grocery store, they're cheaper than in Lithuania.
• Don't laugh too hysterically when your colleagues opens a beer and it sprays all over her.
• Do go on all the excursions you can, the sights of Cyprus are splendid.
• Don't forget to bring some palm trees back for your special lady.