Vilnius Weekend--Part One

This past weekend I was in Vilnius for a business meeting Friday, so I took a bus down Thursday night and came back Sunday (I purposely set my meeting up for Friday afternoon so I could do this).

I went to the bus station in Klaipeda in a big rush, I was afraid I would miss my bus. I'm walking through and this woman runs up to me and starts speaking in Russian. Ya negavariu paruski, I say. She just says something about Vilnius, and I say, skolka stojit? And she says forty. So, I say okay, and go get in this guy's van--a twelve seater with a flatscreen tv and a dvd player. We were off.

We watched Scary Movie 3 in Russian. I was the only person who understood less than 3% of it, and yet I was the only one laughing hysterically. It was awesome. There's probably more slapstick in that movie than dialogue.

We got to Kaunas and the driver didn't feel like going any further, so he called up a buddy and he drove the three of us who were going all the way to Vilnius in his car. No biggie.

We got to Vilnius, I met up with Neringa, Rastenis, and Gedas, and, having purchaced a bottle of vokda and no chaser, headed out to Trakai. After the three of us, minus the driver (Rastenis) drank half the vodka in the car, we decided to get some more. We did, I changed clothes (I was still in a suit from work), and we went to these guys sauna & farm house. The people were all cool and friendly. I didn't hit the sauna, however, as there was a video camera there--which was soon used by Rastenis to Video Tape his genitals. But as for me, digital video of me drunk is bad enough, digital video of me drunk and naked is something I don't even want to think about.

For some reason, Gedas and I started punching each other in the face outside on the lawn. I landed at least one jab in the jaw, and he landed at least one cross to the outside of my left eye, which knocked off my glasses, which ended the fisticuffsmanship. The nect five minutes were spend by us looking for my glasses, me with my hand between my eyes and my lighter, Gedas combing the lawn with a rake. He found my glasses.

Homeward bound. Two things happened on the way home. Gedas and I were in the back together since Neringa was driving now. First, some sort of strand of conversation led to Gedas and me laughing hysterically (literally crying our eyes out) shouting in unison "Rastenis, he knows a dick in the ass!" over and over and over again.

We needed food, and I demanded that, since Gedas and I had bought the vodka, that Rastenis buy 4kg (almost nine pounds) of koldunai (slavic raviolli) plus sour cream for four people. I was mercilessly talking out of my ass, with Gedas laughing at me, Rastenis doing the "ka tu man cia dabar,"* Neringa being beautiful, and me loving it all. The only place we could get food was a gas station, though, so he got rice and hot dogs. I cooked em all up at my place, threw hot dog slices into the rice with some home made salad dressing, and then added some raisins for good measure. I thought the raisins were great, but in this I was alone...

Neringa went to bed, and the rest of us continued drinking for a long time, experianing moderate amounts of male bonding. We were out smoking on the balcony, when Rastenis made a proclaimation (all in English):

Ratenis: Hey you know what? I can suck my own dick!
Aras: No you can't.
Ratenis: No, really, it's true--I can!
Aras: I don't believe you.
Ratenis: I'm telling you dude, I can!
Aras: Oh yeah, let's see it!
Ratenis: No.
Aras: Suck your own dick!
Ratenis: No, I don't want to!
Aras: If you can suck your own dick let's fuckin' see it!
Ratenis: Maybe I don't wanna show you....!
Aras: Let's fuckin' see you suck your own dick, or you're a fuckin' liar!
Ratenis: I don't want to!
Aras: You're fucking lying and you're a fucking liar!
Ratenis: Maybe I am a fuckin' liar, but I'll smash this beer bottle over your head, and you won't be alive anymore!!!
Aras: at this point, neither I nor gedas could say anything, cause we were both too busy rolling around on the balcony, laughing hysterically, for what seems like an hour.

*"ka tu man cia dabar" literally mean "what you me here now?"