"Labas...WTF?!?! WTF!!!"

That's what my special lady said when I came home yesterday...

It was a normal day at the office, I intended to stay til 6:30. Two of the things I had to do stat were create two literature tests for my students to take today and tomorrow, and correct their last batch of esseys. After I explained what the test would be on (everything--ten time periods with an author from each, and even the best student in the group goes to her friend, "palauk, kas tas Whitman'as?"), they were very nervous. They don't understand the bell curve concept, which i use as a flexible guideline with my small groups here. They actually believe it's possible for everyone to fail, and no amount of explaining calms them down. So I made an offer to let them take the test after winter break instead, and they pounced on it.

Those two stat jobs put off, I was in a good mood...jolly, if you will. I started talking to a colleague about Christmas, and Christmas trees. She explained how easy and cheap it is to get a tree, and I was feeling so jolly I decided to do it, unbenounced to my family. Getting a tree hadn't been a priority, since we're not celebrating in Klaipeda. So it'll be a jolly surprise.

My buddy Egle's in Klaipeda for the week, so I asked her for a lift to a place near home where I'd ask my special lady's brother, whom I hadn't ever met before, to meet me to help with the tree... "Tell you brother to meet me at Maxima, I won't say why..." Luckily, I didn't have to go through with that bizarre request, cause Egle wasn't busy and offered to help with her car.

They sell trees at the kebab place right near College, but I need to get a stand first. How can I buy a tree when I don't have a stand? So we go to Acropolis. They didn't have trees in the parking lot, which is where they're supposed to be. Turns out they only have them in Maxima, but they only have imported ones, which are expensive. Information told us that only the Old Market has cheap Lugan trees, and the Kebab place. Well, as least I'll get the stand here. There was one type of good stand, but there was no price tag. How much does it cost? Noone will tell you. Apparently, Christmas time is Bitch time in Klaipeda. Normally the employees there are at my beck and call, I've always been pleased with the service there. Not now. "Can you help me find out how much this costs?"

"No, we can't do that," or "No! Can't you see I'm busy?" or "You'll find out at the register."

I go ask at information, and the employee making copies goes, "What, should I put everything I'm doing aside just cause you need help!?"

"YES! Of course you should! Jesus, don't you know who I am? I'm the customer! I'm the client, I need help, who cares about copies when there's a customer in need?! Everyone's always been helpful before, what, Christmas time rolls around, and Maxima doesn't give a shit about its customers all of a sudden?"

He led me to a scanner for customer use that's conveniently located on the back of a pillar, facing away from the middle of the store. The only way you could happen upon it is if you're looking for discount yarmulkes in that little nook corner of the store. I bought the stand. On the way back to the car Egle goes, "don't you need ornaments too?" Oops.

We have to drive all the way back to the Kebab place, cause the Old Market seems to be closed. I get a good tree, with a pedagogue discount. For ornaments we went to another Maxima, on the other side of town a farther than where I live. As we drive in, Egle goes "Jop tvai mat... Jop tvai mat!!!" (Terrible Russian curse words) The parking lot's full of Christmas trees. Whatever, we loaded up on ornaments and skedaddled back home. We got the tree out slowly, since it was a big fudaker and it was jammed in there all the way up to the windshield. My special lady hears us coming and opens the door and says,

"Labas"--massive intake of breath--"WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

And my special baby's jaw drops, eyes wide, and she starts screaming "KAS ČIA!? KAS ČIA?! KAS ČIA!? KAS ČIA?! KAS ČIA!?" (What's this!?) Good thing I got the plastic ornaments, since her understanding of "Let's decorate the tree" is pretty similar to her understanding of "Let's bounce these orbs on the floor!"