The Onion Personals Cupid Report for Viligaila

So, a year ago a signed up with Onion Personals, half out of boredom, half out of support for my favorite mock newspaper. This week, I got two emails from them, each with five women interested in meeting me, but all from the States, even though my profile clearly states that I am in Klaipeda (I'm one of 27 men in Klaipeda, including, coincidentally, one of my students!). What's the deal with this?

Chicken Soup For The Stomach

I made this chicken soup from scratch Monday my mother recommended. It took like an hour, but I spent half the time reading Fail Safe, one of the books Darius lent me. It cost me about 12 lits or so. It'll probably last me four days, and all I have to do each time is heat it up and cook more noodles (10 minutes). Plus, I accidentally used krapai instead of petrazole, cause they were right next to each other in the store, and I didn't notice till afterwards (i never bought either fresh before). Plus, I accidentally added cinnamon, cause there was some spilled in my salt container, and I forgot to avoid it when taking my pinch of salt. Despite these accidental substitutions and additions, it was perfectly cromulent.

Das Rest of Thanksgiving Weekend

Friday was cool man. I went to meet my sister, Liepa, at New York, which neither of us had been to, for an Erasmus days party, which was open bar and buffet. There were performances by each institution, each group of Erasmus (European exchange) students demonstrating somehow their first impression of Lithuania, via artwork or by reenacting their first week at school, or if you're the crappy unprepared students of VU (lokys and liepa) you put the drunk japanese guy who doesn't mind singing on stage, and let 'im rip. Then, at random intervals, the other students standing behind him shout out something about how too drunk they are to perform.

Then I jetted after the funniest and most awkward conversation I ever, ever had (and the open bar became a regular bar). I met Darius and we went to a couple bars and chit chatted, since we haven't seen each other for a year. One place, Amatininkai, had a small pool of water on the floor that kept us waiting 20 minutes for beers. We left after antagonized pleading by the waitress for us to stay and keep waiting. For chirissake, for some reason this puddle closed the freakin bar.

Then we went to SMC (The Contemporary Art Center, a popular bar) and I saw my buddy Arunce, who cut off his hair. I didn't even recognize him, he had like 18 inch long hair at least last time i saw him, now it's almost shaved.

Friday Lokys and I went to a pregamer with Kristina, but then we to different games afterwards. We went to meat up with Agne, Liepa, Darius, Vaiva, and a couple other dudes was with them, we all finally met at Artistai. We had to wait a couple hours for a table, but that was cool cause we spent most of the time dancing and not standing around. Good tunes.

Sunday was Thanksgiving Dinner again at Darius and Vaiva's mother, Rasa's new apartment, which is the second most mansion-like apartment I've ever seen in person. Good food and good peops again, the ones I met anyway, there was like 40 people there. An 11:30 bus (car) ride got me into bed at 2:40 a.m. Then, at 6:55 a.m., "Good morning, time to teach the students!"

First I told them about Thanksgiving, and they told me about themselves just for practice, but then I gave them an interesting assignment which kept my class participation to a minimum: you're all turkey's and I'm the farmer, one of you's getting eaten for thanksgiving dinner, and you don't want it to be you; write and give a speech to convince that you're a poor choice and that I'd be much better off choosing somebody else in particular from the class. It was very funny, the most popular choice for "somebody else" was usually either the student's mate or a "fatter" girl in class! They all took it in good spirits, though, maybe because none of them are actually over weight.

Thanksgiving

Sabastian tells me that when he was in the States a few years ago, his host family asked him if Thanksgiving is celebrated in France.

Hmmm. Just woke up after the big orgy that is thanksgiving. Let's see...hmm...after a few business meetings, I met darius and vaiva, and then we met lokys too at Maxima. We bought the last things for the dinner, which was the vegetables and logs for the sauna stove. The grand total for food was 328.50 lits, which is about what we expected. I don't know what the booze bill came out too, cause it was sort of byob, but we spent 111. We've actually got plenty of leftovers.

The stuffing was wicked hard to make, cause who has a bowl big enough to mix six loaves worth of bread, 14 sausages, five onions, six celery stalks, and five cups of bullion? Not us. We had to use the tub from the sauna.

p.s. the turkey was 22lb. (10kg.)

It was intrestingly hectic, cause there was tons of stuff to do at like four, and after that nothng to do till seven (an hour before dinner), when it became hectic again till eight.

The dinner was awesome and plentiful, I overate enough to become a mess. My brother, Lokys, and Aidas both ate more than I, and at least Lokys and I weren't really hungry again for a couple days.

Then we finished watching The Big Lebowski which Kristina had never seen, and some best of SNLs. Then we played Alias, which is just like Password. Juste and I beat the pants off everybody, until we stopped playing to go to the sauna. It was a life saver, because I thereby got over my overeating grogginess. Afterward, Juste left but Vaiva woke up, so she took Juste's place on my team and we won again...then we watched Simpsons.

My Day

I already made a list of my day's activities for an email, so why don't i post the damn thing?

• i brought all my stuff to work, including two gallons of applesauce i made, because i'm going to vilnius this evening to prep for a business trip tomorrow and thanksgiving dinner tomorrow evening
• i failed a girl for excessive, consistent plagiarism (this will amount to expulsion if she's failled three more subjects)
• i passed a girl (D) i'd never seen before, because she showed up after a year in dublin and spoke acceptable english
• i participated in a lottary to go on a business trip for a week to austria many colleagues are going, the topic is "preparing courses," more or less; i pulled the spare ticket, meaning i'll get to go if anybody opts out
• i've got a make up class today for the class i'm missing tomorrow, in which we'll read and analyze a perfect day for bananafish, by j .d. salanger; it's tough, because i have to keep pausing to keep from crying (good literature, i just shed a tear right now in anticipation)
• after that i'm going to meet some experts that have come to accredit (or not) our college. i should be meeting with them tomorrow, but i won't be here, so i have to make a good impression so that they're not pissed about my absence
• then i'm off on a three hour micro bus trip to vilnius; it's just lokys and liepa and i, and nine friends, for thanksgiving tomorrow, which makes me in charge of everything! liepa'll make the pies and bananabreads today, and i'll make the stuffing tonight.

Yeah Food!

That's so awesome that Lietuva is getting on track with food. All I needed was tortillas, and the past three nights i've had enchiladas, burritos, and smoked chicken wraps...this added to my regular repertoire of American fast food and midwestern food, most of which I've improved by adding copious bbq sauce. Now I just need a wok and a chinese cook book to make my gourmet life complete. First I think the Chinese need to set up a Chinatown in Klaipeda, or at least in Vilnius.

Imagine when they get chicken patties and stop & shop self rising crust pizzas! It'll be like Boston all over again!!! Oh man, let's go blue cheese sauce! And pepperoni, where are you?

Loss of Innocence

Friday I met up with My Friend, Slightly Mentally Retarded, but I'm bored of talking about him. No wait, I gotta mention one thing. At Memelis we were sitting around in a very crowded place, and he's got this look on his face, not just fury, but like disbelief too. I'm genuinly concerned at this point, or would be if I hadn't been sure it was about something retarded. I ask him what's the matter, and he looks at two people having a conversation directly behind him, close enough that if he turned his head fast he might hit them with it. Mind you, this is a bar/club where you can barely get to the bathroom without having intercourse it so crowded. He looks at me, fury and disbelief in his eyes, and snarls "I hate it when people fuck with me like that!"

Several of us went to the boat after that, an odd place. Usually is a normal enough bar, except that it's in a ship. It floats in the Dane River, dead center of old town. The clientele is more, rural, shall we say. Sometimes, though, they have strippers. Sometimes it;s a cross between the two. There's no discernable schedule that I can discern.

Anyway, there was a stripper that night. As we went in the owner greeted us and said "Ah, good evening, good timing! A stripper will dance in ten minutes!" So I placed us at the perfect table with myself on the floor side. Oooohhhh. I quickly established myself as the alpha male (I'm not sure how I do that, but sometimes it happens...well, I've got some idea) and she spent half of her dance time either looking directly at me or lapdancing on my lap (on the house).

Then we're leaving. Everybody is going different places, at lease I am, in a hurry to a club, cause it's already 2:30. Having paid, I stand up and leave, seeing everybody dilly-dallying.

I get almost to the club and My Friend, Slightly Mentally Retarded calls and says the stripper gave him her number to pass on to me. I think he's fucking with me (they all know and can't understand how anti-prostitute I am), but what can I do? I'm just cocky enough to believe she could easilly fallen in love with me.

So I wait. They catch up with me and give me a note. They all swear she caught up with them at the stairs and said "where'd your friend go?! please give this to him, I wanna meet him!" What could I do?

Aras: Hi, this is Aras. Well, you didn't get my name, of course, but my friends gave me you number and said you wanted me to call you.
Stripper: Yeah, Hi.
Aras: So...you really want to meet me?
Stripper: Yeah, where?
Aras: Uh...well...how about the green bridge? (I figure as long as it's outside I won't get trapped into anything, just in case she's a whore)
Stripper: well, I actually have to drive out someplace else first, so not unless later. (this was at 3 a.m.)
Aras: well, maybe tomorrow then.

The next day I realized what might have happened. Either my friends played a joke on me (as I'd suspected) and went to get the number, or else the waiter, having noticed my accent, pointed me out as a good mark. I know this or something like this happened, because I remembered putting on my coating, smiling at her, and her winking good bye. So she was ready for me to leave without her number, then something made her change her mind. Either the waiter or my friends.

The sad part was to find out she was a whore. What--a--buzz kill. I'm not sure why, but the smile of a stipper makes me wanna go dancing, while the smile of a whore makes me wanna go home. Maybe...I don't know. But after I grabbed her attention, been smiled at for a few minutes, I felt like a million bucks (I almost never go to a club so late at night). As soon as I found out she was a whore, I felt like zero bucks. Zero bucks and holes in my pockets, so even if I had a few bucks I'd lose them.

Does this mean I'm bored at work, or just waiting for the afternoon coffee to brew/kick in?

Here's a list of things that happened on my birthday, edited for interest purposes:

Events
1510 - Henry VIII of England, 18, appears incognito in the lists at Richmond, and is applauded for his jousting before he reveals himself.
1556 - The Shaanxi earthquake, the deadliest earthquake in history, occurs with its epicenter in Shaanxi province, China. 830,000 people may have been killed.
1719 - The Principality of Liechtenstein is created within the Holy Roman Empire. (this is only interesting because my german roommate henrick was actually from there, not germany)
1789 - Georgetown College becomes the first Catholic college in the United States (Washington, DC).
(this is only interesting because that's where my buddy daina went)
1855 - The first bridge over the Mississippi River opens in what is now Minneapolis, Minnesota, a crossing made today by the Father Louis Hennepin Bridge.
(this is intersting because i've been to minneapolis about fifteen times without ever realizing that the mississippi river flows through it--wtf tete?)
1943 - World War II: British forces capture Tripoli from the Nazis.
1943 - Duke Ellington plays at New York City's Carnegie Hall for the first time. (i have a cd of his, not sure how i got it)
1964 - The 24th Amendment to the United States Constitution, prohibiting the use of poll taxes in national elections, is ratified.
1968 - North Korea seizes the USS Pueblo, claiming the ship violated their territorial waters while spying.
1978 - Sweden becomes the first nation to ban aerosol sprays that are thought to damage earth's protective ozone layer. (this reminds me of when sarunas says disappointedly "swedes are stupid")
1983 - The A-Team debuts.
1984 - Hulk Hogan wins the World Wrestling Federation Championship from the Iron Sheik, in New York's Madison Square Garden. Hulkamania is born.
2005 - Viktor Yushchenko sworn in as the third President of Ukraine in Kiev, Ukraine.

Births

1950 - Richard Dean Anderson, American actor (i share a birthday with MacGyver!!!)

Deaths
1570 - James Stewart, Earl of Moray, regent of Scotland (assassinated)
2005 - Johnny Carson, American television personality (b. 1925)

Holidays and observances
Roman Catholic Church: Feast of Blessed Marianne of Molokai

Now first I have to shoot off an email to demand of my parents why the hell didn't we ever have the feast of Molokai?!

Second, I invite anybody else who's waiting for the caffeine to kick in to check out all the events i deleted, maybe you'll find something worth berating me about deleting.

O, Canada

If there's one thing you're really good at, it's providing us with excellent practical examples of how terrible socialism is. A few months ago i posted about your public health care system with year long waiting lists, people dying while doctars are unable to be paid for overtime and therefore sit idly by. And of course you ban private healthcare, so there's really no escape. Bravo.

Now I've gotta thank you for another gem, socialist casinos. I used to be repulsed by socialsm on a merely theoritical level, but the more I read about you, Canada, the more economically nauseated I become. Thanks Canada, for consistently reaffirming my staunch believe in freedom.

Thanks Rachel.

New Movies, Old Books

I saw The Legend of Zorro, which was entertaining, despite bold ridiculousness. You know that thing where somebody shows up just in the knick of time to save the day, and you realize, there's no way he could have know to be there at that moment! Well, that happened 129 times. However, I laughed with the movie as well as at it, so it was worth ten lits.

I began rereading Stranger in a Strange Land, by Heinlein, which is one of my other top five books. It's fun to reread, but I've read it enought times that I'd rather reread The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress, which I've only read once. They're especially fun to read because they are, respectivly, my father's and mother's favorite Heinlein book, and I'm not sure which I prefer.

I should note that the reason I keep rereading the same books is that I only have like 10 books with me in Klaipeda, and obviously I brought my best ones (I read The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress from the Boston Public Library, so of course there it remains). So send me books for Chistmas! Get em used, I don't care, I'd just love to read something new!

Rastenis is so gay, I can't even believe it

Alright picture this, you're not going to believe it either. There's this club that's a normal club usually, but they have one gay night. Next to the sign designating Sunday as gay night, there's a robot modeled after Rastenis gyrating his pelvis. There is no doubt at all it's modeled after him, hell, in the dark i might even mistake it for him: same hair, same eyes, and same unmistakable shit eating (literally) grin, standing there gyrating his pelvis in an endless rallying cry to other homosexuals. Jesus.

My Friend, Slightly Mentally Retarded

My buddy comes home back to Klaipeda for a couple weeks for classes. He works in Ireland. I know many really great students who take corrospondence courses abroad, because Universities abroad are often much better. Especially much better than Klaipeda University, which is nothing to be especially proud of. A few other Unis I could understand, but this guy's making a special particular effort, flying back and forth, to attend a sub par university. Nobody in his right mind would put so much effort into this. It would be like somebody flying back and forth from Britain twice a year to take two weeks worth of classes at Middlesex Community College. His family doesn't even live in Klaipeda!

Then there's his grasp of business (it extends to all aspects of life, really). He told me about his plans to bring back cartons of cigarettes and sell them. The plan is to buy them for 16€ here and sell them for 30€ there, making a 14€ profit. The normal price in Dublin is 60€. I asked him why he goes for so little, why he doesn't go for a high profit.

"Everybody charges half on the black market."
"Yeah, but why do you?"
"Everybody charges half on the black market."
"Yeah I heard you the first time, but just cause everyone does it doesn't mean you have to."
"Everybody charges half on the black market."
"Yes, but what would happen if you charged, say, 40?"
"Nobody would buy them."
"Why?"
"Everybody charges half on the black market."
"So you're telling me people would rather pay 60 in a shop than 40 for your imports?!"
"Yes, or they'd wait for somebody charging thirty."
At this point I actually grabbed by the shoulders and shook him like a British nanny, "People who smoke need to smoke today! The black market isn't unlimited! How the fuck can you tell me people who know these are quality imports, used to buying Lithuanian cigarettes, will tell you to piss off and go fay 50% more in a shop?!?!"
"I don't know. Everybody charges half on the black market."

Next instance. We go to buy beer on the way to the movies. He says, "Are you sure about this? Who's gonna let us go into the theater with beer?"
"Nobody, but they're not going to seach my briefcase. I do it every time. I never go to the movies beerless."
"I don't think it's gonna work."
"Why not, if it always works?"
"We'll see."
Of course it worked, as always. Later in the evening we were walking to catch a microbus and got a couple more beer for the road. He says, "Are you sure about this? The driver's gonna let us go into the bus with beer?"
"Sure. I ride the micro with a beer all the time."
"Maybe we should hide it. I'm sure he won't let us on."
"But I'm telling you I do it all the time! Twice a week at least for the past 14 months!"
"I don't think it'll work."
I bet him double or nothing (he owed me 20 lits from earlier), but he refused, hiding his beet in his coat as we boarded the bus, i holding my beer out prouding, demonstrating without a doubt that the driver had seen it clearly.

Third instance. We go to a club. We get drinks and walk across the dance floor to a good point of observation of the dancers. I turn around and see him by the stairs looking like a lost, abandoned puppy. I go back and try to hold his hand so I can lead him over. He withdraws his hand and I ask him if he doesn't wanna go over there where I just was, and he says yes.
"Well, if you can't just follow me, I'll have to hold your hand."
"I can follow you."
He followed me. After five minutes I asked him if that isn't that guy we met last night, and he says yeah, I said oh neat, and walked over to say hi. The guy asks me if I'm here alone and, unsurprised, I look behind me to see him in the spot I'd just left, again looking like a lost, abandoned puppy.

We had another conversation about a particular sexual inclination of his, which I claimed was just as decided oldfashioned and wrong as racism, not to mention misogynistic. He agreed! But somehow our conversation ended as fruitlessly as did our cigarette market strategy conversation: it may be oldfashioned and misogynistic, but so?, was his position.

Lithuania in the news

Lithuanian economy's looking strong!

WTF?

man, i simply don't get my buddy saidas in a lot of ways. he's got like three jobs coaching basket ball, and he's about to quit the easiest one. he basically has to go to the gym once a week and cancel practice, cause enough kids to play never show up. for doing this once a week they pay him more than minimum wage. here's our conversation:

saidas: fuck it, it's pointless
aras: how's it pointless to get 500 lits a month for doing practically nothing?
s: nobody comes.
a: i get it, that's the beauty: a pay check for no work.
s: so?
a: so you're getting free money!
s: so i get 2,500 lits a semester, big deal, so what?
a: what the fuck, dude, you couldn't use an extra 2,500 lits?!
s: for what?
a: for anything! saving, investing, anything!
s: fuck that, i don't save, and 2,500 isn't enough to invest
a: but in two year's it would make up 12,000, that's enough for an investment
s: i wouldn't save it though, i spend all my excess money, no matter how much it is
a: why?
s: (shrugs)

after this conversation we went to the casino. he bet without looking at some of his cards regularly. when i left he was already down almost 400 lits.

Das Book

Lately I've been reading Tai-Pan, by James Clavell. This is probably the best book ever, at least in the Top Five, which would also have to include Atlas Shrugged and Stranger in a Strange Land. Each of these I consider to be my favorite book ever while I'm reading it (third time for Tai-Pan). I'd also like some Salinger and Hemingway in the Top Five, but their short stories are better than their novels, in my humble experiance.

Anyway, I pretty much skipped my weekend in favor of reading. Friday night I didn't go out. Saturday night I did, but went home so early to read that the coat girl, after I made small talk while putting my sweater on, asked me why I was leaving so early, and I went on to tell her about this great book I'm reading. She asked me questions, so it wasn't like I was just raving by myself, but I still think it was a little much.

I read Tai-Pan instead of The Onion for breakfast, instead of New Sherlock Holmes Stories for dinner, and instead of Capitalism and Freedom, which I'm reading for my Leadership Theories class.

I read like 400 pages this weekend, which is alot for me.

Also this weekend I bought a new boom box, which I was avoiding, cause I'm saving for a lap top. I couldn't live with just my clock radio anymore, though, so insead of killing myself I finally caved in. I bought a German one, Grundig I think it's called, CD (including mp3s) and digital radio. It's awesome! It was so relaxing to finally have music again that I ironed all my shirts. I asked my students if they noticed and they said "Oh yeah, but we didn't want to say anything..."

And I made banana bread, but I accidentally dumped in a ginormous amount of cinnamon...the result was that it was perfectly delicious, but it certainly wouldn't win any beauty pagents. I mean, bake offs.

Fall Vacation

Sort of. I had three days of working in Vilnius, and three days off in Vilnius. Even if half of it is working, a week in Vilnius is a vacation in my book.

The work was unbelievably fruitful: three days in a row of good results, which isn't all my fault; often I can't know enough about a project without attending the seminar to know it's worthless for my college. But this time it was a Tempus Seminar, an International Europass Conference, and a meeting with somebody important about a conference I need help planning, and all were very practiacally applicable to my department, my work.

The partying was awesome too. Saturday was so hysterically funny that my sister, Liepa, said the next day she actually thought she would die because she couldn't stop laughing at my antics, which included playing guitar and singing about what a great guitarist i am, coming in with a stupid, tight, mondo-retardo hat and tiny Europass backpack I'd gotten and stupid beard (I actually shaved secretly in the middle of the party to look retarded) and welcoming everybody to the international conference ad nauseum, and dancing like Daina's father with my eyes closed well after the music had ended. It was so hysterically funny that the next evening most of what we talked about was how funny it had been.

First the next morning, though (Sunday) we went to a restaurant, and after knocking on the door for several minutes and asking why they aren't opening, they reminded us of daylight savings time! :o But they let us in a poured us drinks, so they got a big tip. Rastenis sat next to me, so there was tons of homosexuality, his fag tendencies will never die. Also, in attempt to sober up he ordered a double cider. After drinking it he said he'd gotten drunker instead. Gedas: ka tu manei kad isiblaivysi tuo?! I gave my sister, Liepa, a bight of my soup and started talking about something, and before I realized it she'd eaten the whole thing except one bite after alledgedly having forgotten that it was my soup! Rastenis asked for a bite of my Giant Cepelinas, and I cut him one; he bitched at me to put a bigger meat piece on it, and I denounced him for looking a gift-horse in the mouth. Everybody laughed, and I thought it was with me, but actually it was at me, cause in Lithuanian the figure of speech is for looking a gift-horse in the "teeth" not mouth. I don't know why that's so funny, but it was. In the end I gave both him and Gedas a taste of my meat.

That evening was cool, my brother, Lokys, and I went out with Gedas and Juste, played Buck Euchre, drank some mugs of beer and then some pitchers* of beer.

Monday was a feast with Mommy: roast chicken, gravy (which I made), biscuits, apple sauce, stuffing, and...something else I think...then we went to the cemetary to put candles down for Senelis. I did not want to do this, but did anyway. This post is long enough without adding my feelings on cemetaries, or how tired I become after feasting.

Tuesday was lunch with Dede Valtas, Vilija, and Nephew Vytukas. Also good.

*at first i wrote "bitchers"

Let's get another one of those good old fashioned SMS reviews

Me: this guy just walked by with his hand in his pocket covered by his jacket but his thumb hanging out and for a few seconds i thought it was his penis! wtf?

Gedas: are comeing got a lust for a life

Me: I swear I'm gonna kill Jane Austen! She's such a dumb bitch! I can't even believe it! I look at the pages and wtf i can't believe my eys! She's the dirtiest cunt rag ever!

Lokys: I'm lokys and i have a huge butt hole with lots of feces

Me: How drunk do you have to be to write "I'm lokys and i have a huge butt hole with lots of feces"?

Kristina: Aciu uz kvietima. Nezinau dar, ar galesiu dalyvauti toj romenu orgijoj :-)

Me: You could wear your long underwear with a skirt and pig tails and your bra on the outside of your sweater and go around grabbing people's faces and screaming at their eyes "OINK OINK! OINK OINK OINK!"

Liepa: you are clearly diseased in some way... i do not want to be a crazed pipi long stockings for halloween

Me: that sucks when a button falls on your foot but you thought it was a big bug so you freak out and start yelling and crying and farting and you jump out the window and die!

Gedas: Good luck take sex penis only if you can use it in klaipeda

Me: correcting this student's paper who always wears too much mascara made me remember a dream last night where i was wearing mascara, cause for halloween i was captain jack sparrow!

Me: Me liked the pumpking pie! You'll have to make another pumpking pie for Thanksgiving, I'll make das stuffing!

Liepa: me yo pumpkin me play joke me go pee pee on you FACE

Me: Jimmy Fly Super Snuka

Rastenis favorite song: "My asshole, your penis, everybody move your penis! My asshole, your penis, everybody move your penis, into my asshole, into my asshole! Everybody move your penis into my asshole!"