Tragedy doesn't turn in Catastrophe

...cause making onion rings isn't that hard. I still have a ways to go to perfect my product. My alliteration is tip top, though.

So I come back from the bathroom, and there's so much toilet paper hanging out of my pants it's ridiculous, it's just unimaginable, and I walk into class, and all my students start laughing at me, plus a bunch of important people I respect and don't really belong there, I don't know why they're there. My special lady's there too, and she points out to me why everybody's laughing. I look down and see the toilet paper. I can't believe it. There's literally hundres of sheets worth of toilet paper sticking out of my pants in all directions. I'm a laughing stock. Thinking fast, I start tearing it out of my pants and throwing it at everybody, like confetti, or streamers. With a big-ass smile on my face, like it's all a joke I intended from the moment I left for the bathroom, I cover the whole crowd with confetti/streamers until they're all cheering me on, laughing with me instead of at me.

The moral of the story is, when life gives you toilet paper, throw it at people you love or respect.

Tragedy Strikes

The awesomest non-human, non-electronic thing in my life is no more. There was a restaurant, and I won't say a hero-restaurant, cause what's a hero? There was a restaurant, Chili Kaimas, that was the only provider in all of Lithuania for an excellent appetizer, Onion Rings. They were really really good, so much so that they completely earned their name, Vyrų Džiaugsmas (Men's Joy). They were so good, I used to go there just to order some Onion Rings, eat them with a beer, and leave...by myself! (I never eat in restaurants by myself.)

Saturday night we went there, a bunch of us, in Vilnius, and they had new menus, and after just a few seconds my special lady goes "Arai...[there's no more Onion Rings on the menu...]" But I was just like, "Well I'm ordering them anyway!" So I ordered them, and nothing else, cause my special lady and I were gonna share her delicious dish, Kedainiu Blynai with Mushroom Sauce. Sorry, I can't find a satisfacory link to describe Kedainiu Blynai. They're sort of like American-Lithuanian potato pancakes with South-Slavic kibinas filling. Anyway, the waiter's like OK but then he comes back and he's like Sorry, they are no more, so them I'm like, "Then instead, bring me a big knife so I might slit my throat!" I declined another appetizer in its place, explaining that I'm in a delicate state of mourning.

I wrote complaints on three different pages of the complaint book, in three different languages, and I've repeated this process at another location, and I requested that the waiter/ress each time convey my dismay to all who will listen...I can only pray that I get through to them.

Left Home Fries, Right Cheeseburgers

Your wish is my command: the photo! These cheeseburgers are well over a half pound each and barely fit on half a loaf of fresh bread. Cheese goes on them, of course, and on each is sliced one medium tomato, half a green pepper, half a medium onion, several lettuce leaves, and a few tablespoons each of Hellman's mayonaise and homemade bbq sauce.

My new favorite spice is...

Tarragon!

Life's a bitch but then you have dinner and you're like, oh man, this is awesome. And then you have desert and you're like, oh man, this is so awesome, I'm going to bed! And then you go to bed and when you wake up you're like, wow, I'm not even tired, I'm gonna sleep 8 hours every night, but then, at two p.m., you're like oh man, I'm so tired, I wish I could go home right now, how the hell did I make it to five p.m. with no problem all the time till yesterday, and how the hell am I gonna make it to 7:30 p.m. when I start my second job, and when the fuck am I gonna write my goddam master's paper, I wish I was dead.

But there is one thing I do know: a special request was made for cheeseburgers tonight, and I'm going to fulfill it, with homemade BBQ sauce. After that I bet everything will be awesome again.

My favorite spam title is this:

"Make your fat friends envy you!"

Where do countries get their names?

Did you know there's a country called Reunion? Look at number 44! HA!

I'm definately gonna limit my kids to 8 hours of TV per day...it'd be less, but it's hard to make them watch less than I do...just kidding...

TV Really Might Cause Autism
A Slate exclusive: findings from a new Cornell study.
By Gregg Easterbrook
Posted Monday, Oct. 16, 2006, at 6:52 AM ET

Last month, I speculated in Slate that the mounting incidence of childhood autism may be related to increased television viewing among the very young. The autism rise began around 1980, about the same time cable television and VCRs became common, allowing children to watch television aimed at them any time. Since the brain is organizing during the first years of life and since human beings evolved responding to three-dimensional stimuli, I wondered if exposing toddlers to lots of colorful two-dimensional stimulation could be harmful to brain development. This was sheer speculation, since I knew of no researchers pursuing the question.

Read the rest here...

All right, pie, I'm just going to do this:[chomps air].&if you get eaten,it's your own fault! [walks towards pie,chomping air&hits head on oven vent]!

Yesterday I had to stay home with a special baby while a special lady did a business day-trip. Besides sleeping one off, I watched a couple dozen simpsons episodes...good Sunday, right? Yeah, but you get cabin fever by the end. I was all cranky and crazy. Good Orange Braised Pork Chops, but by the end I was thinking to myself, I wish I was a bigger orange fan. That thought came to me again today with the first bite of my orange braised pork chop sandwiches I ate for lunch, and I expect it again tomorrow night, when I use the remaining left over's to make orange braised pork friend rice. I call it that cause it's so good that I consider it my friend, or maybe it was a typo, I can't remember, cause I have this condition, I can't make new memories.

A Fiasco Every Morning

Yesterday I didn't eat breakfast because I had a blood test in the morning. I wanted to buy somethingt o eat on the way to work after that, cause waiting for lunch sucks, especially since lunch sucks anyway. So I walked to this kebab trunk I never tried before, with a quick stop at the old ATM. Oops. It's not my ATM anymore, it's another banks. Well, Kebabs are already not cheap, so there's no way I'm tackin a 2 buck surcharge on there. I'll just go to my regular Kebab stand with and ATM nearby.

So I get in the micro, and I'm getting hungrier and hungrier, then I get out ar this mall, Mega Plaza, to use their ATM. They're closed! WTF?! How can a mall be closed till 10a.m.? Does nobody shop in the morning? So I go to the Kebob stand and ask if they take credit card, but alas, no. So I gotta walk about a mile there and back to the next closest ATM to get this damn Kebab. If I hadn't seen the meat on the skewer I wouldn't have come back, but oh baby, that was mouth watering, plus there was a sign for free hot peppers.

That was yesterday's fiasco, here's todays: The internet hasn't been working at work, so I keep having to go to resteraunts with free wireless to work. I usually do that at the end of work, but today internet was vital to me in the morning, so I stopped at Chili Kaimas before work. I get up to the door and see they're only open at ten. WTF! Doesn't anybody eat breakfast?! So I march down to Pipita, by the station...open at ten. Fuck! WTF!! I spent a good 45 minutes walking around on the way to work looking for internet, no luck. I also happen to know that the internet cafe doesn't open till ten or eleven so even that's out.

Then when I got to work it turns out yesterday afternoon when I was at Chili Kaimas working someone finally fixed the internet already.

Yeah Boots

I've been wearing the same boots for 9 years, how do you like that? The only work I've had done on them is new soles ($20) and just this month I had some of the leather patched up (15 LTL). How awesome is that!

The Greatest Show On Earth

Just kidding, the circus I went to as a lad was the greatest show on Earth. This pan-slavic show was ok at best, but I guess my special toddler doesn't know the difference. The clown was much more bedraggled than funny, bedraggled not in the funny way, and he appeared to be drunk. My special lady commented that "the lion has a tortured look about him," and the lion tamer seemed to enjoy poking the lion and tigers. I kept shouting to them, "Kill your master! Eat him!" But they didn't listen. I read someplace about how most people going to a circus secretly hope there'll be some kind of accident. Well, I kept nothing a secret: "Kill your master! Eat him!"

The neat things were the snake lady, who didn't have any snakes, but her snake poses were neat. The best thing was the girl on the clothes ropes, know what I mean? Like sliding up and down them and wrapping herself up in them. Nobody got shot out of a canon. There wasn't much juggling, but this guy did do this neat thing with two red and white canisters, he was on his back with his legs up in the air and he kept the canisters twirling in the air with his feet.

Make sure you ask for discounts, we got them at the ticket booth.

Brownies

Holy shit, I gotta give a shout out o Donata Ruskyte. She was part of my crew on the Finland trip, and I blabbed enough about food prep that I got my colleagues intrests up and invited them over for chicken fingers and freedom fries a couple weeks after we got back. They brought desert, including Donata's brownies. Let me tell you something: holy shit! After two years in Lithuania with no brownies, I suppose I'm already conditioned against them, so it may not be surprising that I was blown away by them, but let me explain something: holy shit!!! they were so amazing, I can't even believe it! I'm gonna quit going to work and just make brownies all day. And sell them? No! I'm just gonna eat them all day and all night!!! Goodbye life! Nothing matters anymore besides brownies...

Poor Man's Kugelis: Kugelis!

After six people canceled on dinner Saturday, we had some extra potatos. Luckily they weren't cooked yet, so we turned them (the left over ones) into kugelis instead of a million french fries. The BBQ Ribs were done, luckily though, I'd say, since who can complain about extra ribs??? We're still eating them!!!

p.s. Before someone emails me to say "dude lol you're stupid, that's a cake!" lemme just clear that up for you: I used a cake pan to cook it, which I highly recommend, but it's still kugelis.

p.p.s. Before someone's Tete emails him to point out that he's not wearing a shirt in this picture, lemme just clear that up for you: I noticed that already, but I decided not to crop myself out so that everyone could see my beard