Waitress? Bitchress, really, is what'd I'd call you.

That's what I said last night to this bitch waitress who saw that I had my leg resting on a stool and goes "Hey feet off the furniture, Mister, this isn't your house!" I wish. I just took my leg off, drank my beer and paid for it and left. I wish I'd said something to make her feel as bad as I did. Then stood up and left without paying. And if I saw the manager on the way out, told him he'd better teach his waitress some manners. I can't wait until all the idiots in Klaipeda get run outta business by better managers and more polite waitresses. Isn't that what the EU's all about? Hurry up already!

I can't believe this!

This blog is the number 10 hit for "pumpkin sized boobs!" How do you like that?

P.S. i'm glad that people looking for information on "big fuckin inner tube" can find it here!

That Table Tennis for Two Hours

It's called Beirut, really, or more commonly Beer Pong, and in Boston Bee' Pong. In Lithuanian it's called That Table Tennis (Tas Stalo Tenisas). And in Lithuania you have to play with a normal table because I don't have a ping pong table, so you have to stand a meter (a yard) away from the table to even out the throwing distances. And you have to toss beer caps instead of ping pong balls, cause somebody mishandled my balls. That makes bounce shots practically impossible. Anyway, imagine playing that with a kid running around trying to get in on the action! Well you couldn't even move the table into place probably without someone getting hurt. So we never played till this weekend, while my special baby was visiting her special grama. My special lady won the first round, apparently cause I was malnourished; I say this because after a home made kugelis break, I totally beat her in round two. I'm not sure if I beat her at eating kugelis, we both rocked the crap outta that kugelis.

Other highlights of a party weekend include doing stuff all day without naptime 12-3, the beach, jewlry shopping, other kinds of shopping, foxy boxing, backgammon, going to church, and daylight saving time ending or starting, I don't know which. The crappy one when you lose an hour of sleep. Lokys has a great idea for day light savings which I'm heartily for: move the clock back both times, so you always gain an hour. This sounds one sided, but you can make up for that by skipping a day (how about a Monday?) every twelve years. Then we come out even even though we get two extra hours of sleep each year and one shortenend week each dozen years. It's win-win baby!

Rummage through your own trash before some bum does...

...cause he'll be the king of the bums once he's got your watch on!

It's not a Rolex, but my special lady got me a pretty awesome watch for my birthday. It makes me feel like much more of an adult to check the time on my wrist than on my cell phone.

My special lady insists I don't wear it in the kitchen where I'm elbow deep in batter, usually, so the watch spends most home time on the shelf. Or on the dresser. Or on the nightstand. Or hanging from the towel peg. It hasn't quite settled down with its permanent abode, like the Amish. It has a few drinks and spends the night wherever.

And because it's not routine, I forgot to put it on last Friday, and didn't go home before leaving town for the long weekend. Upon returning I forgot to wear it again Tuesday and by the time I looked for it Wednesday it was nowhere to be found. One of the first things I looked through was the trash next to the dresser. But o oh, my special lady took the trash out already. That is, she took the trash out of the bedroom to the kitchen, beyond that it's my job to take it out. We found my watch in the trash. Hooray!

The moral of the story is, men should take out the trash, and women should do the cleaning. The other moral is, make sure no bums find your valuables.

Welcome to Octopus Thought Activated Drinking Game with Something Something

Great game. Don't know where it came from, cause I can't find it online. I think one of the youngins brought it over, Sim or Ginty or A.j. or Alvy. I only remember playing this game once several years ago, though the memory might be a blur of several times if I was always seated on the same super spot of the same cool couch playing with the same particular people at 60 Eggmont St. I been waiting, over the last few months, for a chance to pull it out again, cause we play far too much asshole and kings, but you can't just pull it out anytime, cause you gotta have a bunch of people, and they gotta be in a giggly mood. And Beirut is a hassle in a country with no 30 packs.

I explained the game to Gedas and Juste, Donkus and Egle, and my special lady. The reaction was typical: oh what a simple game, who could ever make a mistake?! And the game play was typical: it took us probably twenty tries or more to count to twenty, which we only managed once. And by the end of the game two people had passed out. And several of the rules had to be explained again and again. Well, all the rules, since there's only like three of them. Here they are:

1. Everybody sits in a circle and counts off to twenty, one persona at a time, starting at one, and continuing on to another person in the direction indicated by the person touching one of his shoulders.
2. On 8 and 16 you say "octopus" instead of the number and touch both shoulders; on 8 the top arm indicates the counting direction, on 16 the bottom arm.
3. Following 10 and 20 count off follows, just once each to 11 or 21, in the opposite direction of that indicated.
4. If/when the group successfully gets to 21, everybody wins, and the person who got to 21 makes a rule to make the game harder.

That's probably clear to anyone who's played octopus, and completely not understandable if you haven't. Well, that's your problem, you should have played it before reading this post. It was a hilarious game; I'm thrilled that I remembered it. Anybody else remember Octopus?

Dragon Burp

This has only happened twice in my life. Once, as a youth, it scared the crap outta me. This morning it just made me laugh for a second before I dryheaved. What happens is you swallow a capsule of medicine, and after the lining has ruptured but before the powder has soaked up you burp, and a cloud of medicine dust comes out of your mouth that looks like smoke or mist. I saw it from two angles this time, since I was standing in front of the mirror. That ever happen to you?

It makes you realize why they put the medicine in those capsules: that medicine tastes like crap, especially when the whole inside of your mouth is doused with it.

Good Eats When I'm On My Own

Just kidding. On my own for the weekend, I didn't make anything great, what's the point? Who's gonna say "thank you, it was delicious" and kiss me? Nobody. So Friday, alone for dinner: store bought dunes: frozen meat dumplings with sour cream and soy sauce. Saturday night for dinner I spiced it up, cause I was tipsy. I made the other half of the dunes, but this time I used double the sour cream, figuring, I can use the extra sauce as dip for potato chips. But instead of eating the dunes and leaving half the sauce, I spiced it up even more, cause I'm an idiot. I decided to eat the dunes as part of the dip: take a couple chips, scoop up a dune, and eat it all! I need to hang up a mirror in the kitchen; it'd be interesting to see exactly what a culinary cretin looks like in action. Sunday morning I ate the rest of the chips for breakfast. For lunch I went all out: instant mashed potatoes with hot dog slices mixed in. I hate hot dogs, really hate them, but they're the only precooked meat I had. Good thing I wasn't on my own more than 48 hours, I probably would have died of malnutrition!

A Number (4) of Things to Watch Out For

1. When you buy tickets to the theater, make sure it's the drama theater, not the musical theater
2. Before buying them, make sure Fiddler on the Roof is less than three and a half hours long, so you don't have to leave during intermission and buy another pair of tickets to see the end of the show another day
3. When buying a bottle of tomato juice to make a cocktail to bring along, making the show bearable, make sure it's acutally juice; I accidentally bought a bottle of sauce (wtf?!) and ended up with a rather thick Bloody Mary
4. When you get home and make quesadillas, don't forget to put jalapenos in them

The week in clothes

Monday I wore my blue striped shirt, today it was the orance striped one. In between it was white Polo Ralph Lauren that Regan left at my place stateside once. I skipped the tie with the striped shirts, but forgot the tie with the white one. Luckily I keep a spare at work, a blue one I got free with a crumby shirt once. I don't wear suit pants during crappy weather, which most of the winter; it takes a toll on the pants bottoms. I wear a jacket, though, still, gray-brown-brown so far this weak. Tomorrow I'll go gray again, I suppose. Friday will be casual day at work (only for me), so I'll just wear a sweater. If anybody votes for which sweater I should wear, I'll strongly consider it. I can't believe I wrote this!

Tree Huggers in Lithuania!

Oh yes, we have tree huggers now, just like you Americans do, you think you're so special. Our tree huggers are very concerned about the environment and environmentalism and conservationism and clean air and water and animals. Not!

On the way to the bus stop this morning, I did see someone hugging a tree, but it wasn't to protest deforestation. I thought he was hugging the tree to keep from falling down drunk, and I still thing that's how his relationship with the tree began. He was asleep. The only thing he was trying to conserve, apparently, was his verticalism.

p.s. this Onion article reminds me of something awesome I made over the weekend: cheeseburgers with jalapeños mixed in! Lately I been mixing jalapeños or jalapeño brine into everything.

What's my IQ, I wonder.

Rachel's blog led me to this one IQ test, on which I scored a measly 117. Disappointed, I tried to find a more reliable one using the most reliable advisor I have, google. I took the test on the number one hit (non-sponsored), which scored me a whopping 144, one point short of "Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)." Well, I'm sure I did do extremely well on the test, I was certain or nearly certain across the board. But if it scores me that high, maybe it was too easy.

How can I actually find out online? And don't suggest anything that takes more than 15 minutes, I don't wanna know that bad.

Oh, and by the way, I tried this other one, and to make sure it would really give me my score for free I clicked finished without answering any questions at all, and I scored a 51. How's that? You get the first 51 points for being alive, is that how it works? My cat's got enough sense to do that, is that her IQ? Here's the stats:

Your age adjusted IQ score is 51 and the average score is 100.

Your Grade: Low

Total number of questions: 30
Questions answered: 0
Questions not answered: 30
Questions answered correctly: 0
Questions answered incorrectly: 30
Percentage correct answers: 0%

Try this to relax a bit for a minute when you're still working at 6 p.m.

Read recipes on Epicurious. When you find a comment about an intention to experiment with something recipe related, suggest to the commenter loudly, out loud, that is, and not keeping your voice down, that he experiment with something else, something much more vulgar, "Why don't you experiment with ______ instead?!" Utter something so vulgar that once you've suggested it you have to look around quickly to make sure nobody heard you, despite your being the only English speaking person in your office. That's what I call relaxation!

An interesting thing to see outside a Children's Hospital

Patients smoking!

Do you ever see someone with a mole with a long hair sticking out and you just grab it and yank it out? If yes, know this:

When the mouse is away, the cat will...not do the dishes very effectively. See my special lady and I, we live the good old fashioned way, by splitting up responsibilities so as to specialize and be more efficient. Also old fashioned is that I consider myself the cat. The non-traditional thing, as you must know if you read this blog, is that I do the cooking. Anyway, the point is I don't normally do the dishes; I only do them as a pledge of reconciliation, which is very seldom. Now that I'm on my own for a bit, though, I've developed a very good system for doing the dishes, which I'd like to share with you:
1. rinse dish with water (no soap); if clean, set to dry in rack
2. if not clean, leave to soak for 24 hours; if dish is necessary for cooking, scrape with spatula and use immediately
3. if not clean after 24 of soaking, soak for another 24 hours
4. repeat steps 2-3 until clean

P.S. I made sweet and sour pork last night, it was unbelievably awesome.

Usually, no, whatever, I was gonna write about what I had for dinner, but then I realized all I do anymore ir write about food, so forget it.

Instead I'll write about drink. In Lithuania, we drink kefir, or kefyras. I'll tell you why that's funny after you read this Onion article.

Read it? Well, I'll explain what kefir is now then. It's chunky sour milk. It's milk, it's sour, and it's the consistency of drinkable yoghurt, with big old chunks! Is it good? Yeah, it's ok from time to time, especially with Cepelinai. Why do I drink it every day? It's wicked healthy: if you drink five liters of it daily, you can eat all the red meat you want and it won't raise your cholosterol or blood pressure.

Cepelinas Recipe for Cepelinai

Cause you never eat just one, right? Especially if you're pregnant. Not that I'm pregnant, or anybody else I know, that's just something I heard, once. Well, one of my former students is, but let's stay on target. Stay on target!

Here's my not-a-complete-success recipe for Cepelinai:

1. 5 pounds potatos for two people (that's enough if you don't want left overs...which we did): 2/3 grated, the rest boiled and mashed (the proper part to grate is more like 4/5 or greater)
2. no salt (you should add plenty of salt)
3. forget the egg (don't forget the egg)
4. 1 g. crushed vitamin C (try five grams: with only one the Cepelinai turned very dark; you can also add a bit of milk to the mashed potatos to combat this)
5. skip the added potato starch (don't skip the added potato starch; rolling the Cepelinai in it will make them look much more proper, i hear, and less like gypsies rolled into the trailer park for the holidays)
6. use a normal amount of flour in the mushroom sauce (go very light on the flour you add to whatever sauce you make, unless you like eating potato sandwiches)
7. do add lean bacon to the cooked ground meat filling (yeah. that's the only thing I did right!)

I took a photo for posterity, but I'm not including it...it's...not appetizing...

We ate 'em though, and I'm confident that next time they'll be fantestical.

Maybe...I need another hobby?

Birthday presents:

"I know you like cooking, so here's a potato grater!"

"I know you like cooking, so here's a meat thermometer!"

"I know you like cooking, so here's a pizza cutter!"

They're awesome presents, but maybe having only one hobby (playing Alpha Centauri doesn't count, does it?) makes me shallow and boring to shop for?

p.s. anybody got a recipe for Kėdainių Blynai???

Dry, you mother scratchers!

There's something I'd like everyone to know;

I'm going to print on my business cards from now on;

I'm going to have a sky writer proclaim this fact white on blue;

I'm going to include it in a p.s. in every letter and email and sms I write;

I'm going to mention it every time I introduce myself;

I'm going to tatoo it on my forehead;

It's going in my blog desctiption:

I DON'T DRINK SWEET WINE OR CHAMPAGNE!

Over the past few months, I've received a few bottles of champagne as gifts, and I've been served wine and champagne at several parties. I don't drink it sweet! I don't drink it semi-sweet! I can barely gag it down semi-dry! I need my wine and champagne dry! I want it dry as the Mohabe desert, I like it as dry as vampires like blood, which they do, alot!

But I can never receive a gift, look at the label, and say, I'm sorry, I can't drink this...it's not kosher. So I'm letting everybody know now, let's not have any mix ups in the future. Thanks for your cooperation.

what's up with levi's jeans? they only last for a year now, has it always been like that?

Stupidest trip of my life, I there's no emoticon to describe how stupid public healthcare is. On some days I work in places public transport won't take me, so I take compensated cabs. Today I didn't take one all the way back to my normal workplace though, because I had to go to the polyclinic. I had to, told me my special somebody...

I had to go get my record to bring to her. I go to the dermatologist, and there's literally 20 people waiting there. Hoping they were waiting for somebody else I just went in, and she said I have to wait, and I asked if that wait would be very long, and she said yes, she's got a lot of patients. Can I make an appointment? No: first come, first serve. Everytime you go to the doctor, you risk spending the whole day there.

I went there Monday, incidentally, and waited; she was absent for at least 15 minutes at 9:30 a.m. before I gave up. And then I gotta go to work by bus, cause I can't get two compensated cabs for one trip. So I've sacrificed two mornings this week to public health care, and I'd just like to say, go to hell.

Me? Slap Happy!

I laughed so loud at the third guy's response, I reminded myself of Lokys...

The Onion American Voices