The State of America: FAT

After three weeks in the States, I no longer fit into most of my pants. I ate the best meal of my life about fifteen times. Steaks, swordfish, Popeyes chicken & biscuits, hash browns and breakfast sausages (anybody have a recipe? i'm willing to make them from scratch at home), home grown corn on the cob/tomatoes/cucumbers/squash/broccoli, D'Angelo's, spaghetti with hot Italian sausages, beef stew with home growns, dozens of cheeseburgers, Krispy Kreme donuts, lots of pizza and onion rings and buffalo wings, including from Anchor Bar (I survived the Suicidal Wings), roast chickens, Margherita Hard Salami, pork chops, pork loin, and smoked pork loin (three days in a row) and if that wasn't enough pork, we also ate Famous Dave's Legendary Barbeque. It was all awesome, but now I'm obese.

I gave the Krupnikas toast at Darius and Ellen's wedding. It was not too embarrasing for either of them, which was a relief. I was clever enough to present them with an obscene gift during the speech without anyone noticing. I heard that it wasn't tame enough for all the guests though:

Old Woman: Did he just say what I think he said???
Sim Philips: No, he just said they used to bare knuckle box.
Old Woman: That's what I thought he said!!!
Sim Philips: Oh...
Old Woman: Did they really do that???
Sim Philips: Well, no, not much actually, they usually wore gloves. I was there alot of the time.
Old Woman: OH MY GOD, NO!!!
Sim Philips: Yeah...

I rode on the Viper, the awesomest ride in the world, at Valley Fair, the awesomest park in the world. It's totally better than Six Flags or Disney World.

I went to a bar in NYC where you had to swim to the bar to get drinks.

I got all worked up with Peanut and went to see StraddleDaddy.

I saw Niagara Falls on my honey moon.

I won the last game of buck euchre in Minneapolis.

I had a blast seeing the fam and friends I haven't seen for three years or more.

No Breakfast? Ha!

My special lady and Liepa got up early this morning to go to the big Giriunai market (at 10, real early!). I guess they thought they could play a joke on me. As they pulled out of the driveway, I went into the kitchen. Lo and behold, they've left me abandoned with nothing for breakfast and no car.

All there is is ham and cheese. I pulled that out and realized there's no bread for sandwiches. That's okay, I can make eggs with ham and cheese. No, there's no eggs. That's okay, I can make crepes with ham and cheese. No dammit, there's no eggs. Oh but there is a little left over cream of mushroom soup. What if I made a casserole out of koldūnai, sour cream, the soup, ham and cheese? It's be awesome is what! But crap, no dunes! How about porridge? Well, how am I supposed to get ham and cheese into porridge?! At this point I almost gave up and called them to say ha ha, very funny, now where's all the food?!

I didn't give up though. I looked through the freezer. Guess what Jesus had hid there for me? A loaf of white bread! Why Jesus? Why the hell would there ever be a loaf of bread in the freezer? No reason but divine intervention.

It's too cold for sandwiches, but I figured it would be perfect for grilled cheeses. Why? White bread in Lithuania doesn't come pre-sliced, except for super shitty bread. If you slice it yourself the slices are too thick, and the bread burns before the cheese melts. But if it's frozen you can slice it thinner without smushing it, and it won't cook as quickly. I spread a layer of fetaki (spreadable feta cheese), ham, normal Lithuanian cheese, and adžika (spicy tomato spread). The best grilled cheeses ever, so good even my special baby ate half of one and loved it (last time she tasted adžika she cried...)!

Nice try ladies, but you got to get up pretty early in the morning (before 10) to pull one over on this guy!

Surprise Wedding

Gedas and Juste decided not to host a reception for their friends to express their love for them. At the initiative of Donkus, we decided that just won't stand. So we threw them a surprise wedding!

Traditional Lithuanian wedding: the couple to be has to pass several corrals: the gypsy corral, which tells their fortunes, the medic's corral, which administers tests, and the musicians corral, which plays games with them. Liepa and I volunteered to be in the medic's corral, because the gypsy corral was very popular, and we wanted to stand out more. And we're not good enough singers to make that our main attraction.

I wasn't officially the head medic, but I became the leader de facto. Liepa's and my experiences at Neringa and other camps made us qualified and skilled at thinking up funny bits to put the couple through. We all dressed up as doctors, and when the car came through to us we held across the road a long bandage entwined with flowers, and I held up my hand. They got out. They had no idea this was coming, cause like I said, it was a surprise, and there's actually many different ways weddings can go traditionally.

I said we're the highest commission of medics in Lithuania, Dr. Aiaras, Ailiepa, Aigvidas, and so one, everyone's name getting an Ai- in front of it in honor of Dr. Aiskauda, Lithuania's legendary medical hero. They have to pass our tests if they want to get married. After inspecting their eyes, the doctors and I decided that Gedas needs to pass a psychological test--to prove he can swallow his anger, he has to funnel a beer. He failed!

After inspecting their elbows, ears, butts, and noses, doctors and I decided that they need to pass reactionological, comradological, balancological, and child-foddering tests--they passed everything else. The only other really funny one was child-foddering, Juste had to feed Gedas a bottle full of beer while he laid on her lap with a bonnet on his head.

Then we sang this song for them and the Gypsies too:

Ten toli ošia žalia girelė,
Prie jos čigonai buria porelę.
Skamba gitaros, visi dainuoja,
Justė pašoka, Gedas nemoka. (2x2 k.)

Oi, jūs, čigonai, iš kur atėjot,
Plačiam pasauly kur vaikštinėjot?
Kur jūsų valda, kur užtvarėlė,
Kuri išbūrtų šią šeimynėlę? (2x2 k.)

Mes medikantai, kūnų klajūnai,
Tik pro mumis bus, santuokos rūmai.
Užkūrę pirtį, šoksim, trepsėsim
Ir savo didžią pjankę pradėsim. (2x2 k.)

Taip susitarę šoksim, trepsėsim,
Klausyk, Justina, ką tau kalbėsim:
Neieškok meilės turtingo pono,
Vilioki jautrią širdį čia Gedo. (2x2 k.)

Gedas - sveikuolis, Gedas - varguolis,
Gedas laimingas, Gedas vaisingas!
Gedas neturi ant savęs pono,
Kur tik pažvelgsi - žemė čigono! (2x2 k.)

Wedding Highlights II

Šv. Kazimiero was a great church to get married in. Father Vitkus was really great, funny, and entertaining. The organist and hymn singer were amazing. The latter was warming up in the back where the best men and I were dressing, Peanut goes, "Oh my God, she's amazing...is she for your wedding?!?"

Žaldokynė was a fantasic restaurant. It's thanks to us for booking it ten months in advance, but it's also thanks to them for being honest. They said they got countless call from people offering any amount of money it takes to get the hall for 7-7-7. I believe them. My special lady saw a bit on TV about people getting double crossed left and right for limos and other wedding servces for that day: "Pay double, or we refund your down payment in double." Our down payment was 300 litas. They would have been within their rights to refund us 600 and make an extra ten, twenty, thirty grand. But it wouldn't have been honest, so cheers to them.

Liudas Masys was a great photographer. Lots of really good non traditional shots, many candid. The posing ones felt like we were posing as models, not family members. He came by the next day, less than 16 hours after he'd left us, with a cd with over 1,200 pictures and an album with about 30 choice pictures printed out super high quality.

Kapelija (sp?) was a great band. Traditional, old fashioned music, exactly what we ordered. They even had a guy MC the whole evening, which was a godsend, cause I can't imagine who we could have got to do it so good: games, sing-alongs, special dances, the works.

Santa Salonas, where the best men and I got our tuxedos, is the worst place in the world. When I came the first time somebody was just leaving, in disgust. I wish I hadn't assumed it was an isolated incident and given them a chance. They didn't have any bow ties, except for clip ons, and they didn't have any shoes. They promised to get the bow ties. Okay, I guess the men and I can supply our own shoes. The mes are flying in, though, a week ahead of time. They tell me that's not enough time to prepare everything, we have to send ahead our measurements. Liars! Idiots! Because of this stupid move on their part, they were in a real bind when adjustments had to be made with less than 24 hours till show time. If they managed to do it in that time, though, they would have been much wiser to do it a week ago and not sew them wrong in the first place. Not to say that they did a good job sewing them: all the best men had velcro cummerbunds, and Peanut's was sew together backwards, so the ends met face to face instead of overlapping! Plus when we went to get them, a young woman was bitching them out and demanding her money back for sewing her dress wrong twice and wasting her time. They never got the bow ties they promised, there were slips of paper belonging to previous renters in the pockets, and the shirts had sweat stains around the collar. Those fuckers are lucky Gedas dropped out of the wedding party. If I wasn't in breach of contract myself for ending up short one best man, I would have given myself a sizable discount for poor service. When I went to return the tuxes I heard yet another damsel crying inside.

Pirates the third, or Pirates the TURD?

Pirates of the Caribbean is a movie I can watch once a month and not get bored of it.

Pirates II is okay too: original, funny and exciting, visually entertaining too.

Pirates III, At World's End, however, should be renamed At Wit's End, since I was at my wit's end trying to enjoy it. No success.
1. Many of the jokes are recycled from the first two movies. Liepa said that made the movie funnier, I don't see it. If I know the punchline before it comes, I consider it poor writing, not funnier.
2. No great fight scenes. II managed not to be repetitive by having the great sword fight on the mill wheel rolling down the hill. All III managed was having sword fights in the rain...wow!
3. No new visual effects. II had the pirates hanging in cages, the sword fight mentioned above, Jack falling between those cliffs, and Davey Jones and his crew. All III had was the maelstrom, and my next complaint.
4. The delirious scene? All white with a guy's nose crawling along the screen? Get out of my face. I thought this was a pirate movie, not a weirdo mind trip movie. Most out of genre scene ever!
5. And every seen a shitty bad guy? Not this shitty! Lord Becket was all talk, and even that he was shitty at. How's this for a farewell as the ships goes down: "It was just supposed to be good business." Too bad I didn't know it wasn't supposed a good movie instead!

Wedding Highlights I

These are gonna come in bits and pieces--quotes and moments--cause the celebration lasted 8 days. Weddings that include a mass and 100 guests are very rare in Lithuania (usually it's just the marriage sacrament and ~30 guests), so comments about the splendor are re: that.

My speech at the reception included this: "We're not getting married married because we love each other..." I couldn't finish my thought before a tremendous roar of laughter silenced me for a minute. "I mean, we can love each other all we want without getting married; we're getting married in order to have a family. We want a big family because both of our families are so caring and so fun to be with."

One woman with two unmarried children said, "I've never been to such a wonderful wedding in all my life, and I probably never will!"

When we got to the reception we had to win our table from cross-dressers, since the place was dramatically overbooked. To satisfy them, we had to sing them a song. What song to we both know better than any other? Krambambolis! Several Lithuanian folk experts were astonished to hear a folk song for the first time. I guess first wave immigrants brought it over to the States and it died out in Lithuania.

I'd never seen my aunt wear pants before this in my life. Possibly she never had. After a few days of seeing me and my friends in casual wear, my 77 year old aunt pops in wearing torn, cut off jeans and laughs, "I found these going through some boxes of clothes; you think I can hang with Sarunas and his crew now?!"

wait, when tf is the election!?

after all the hubbub in newspapers, and after i added the frontrunner's link to my toolbar, i got all excited about giuliani winning this autumn. then today when i was looking at the title, join in 2008, i realized, it's not 2008 yet. so now i gotta wait another year and a freakin' half!? jesus maria! what's up with starting campaigns two+ years ahead of time? if it's that beneficial, let's have the 2012 candidates start up this summer. i can't wait!

Since you're board

Everything that's happened over the past week is a secret. That's why I haven't been posting. I've gotten a few complaints from bored people that they don't have anything on my blog to read on work breaks. Therefore, I give you this hilarious, totally indecent link, courtesy of Rachel, which I hope nobody respectable opens, but if you're bored and want to laugh out loud and have to cover your mouth so your supervisor thinks you're having a coughing fit, click at your own risk!

Which century are we in?

I think this rural Lithuanian woman might have traveled forward through time. She seems a bit in the dark:

Interviewer: How far away do you think the sun is from the earth?
Young woman: Crickey, it's far away! 30 km I reckon!

(30 km = 18.75 miles)

p.s. here's a great opening line from an email i received today: "People judge your dick size by your shoes size." that's...just great...really peaks my interest.

What do I have to say today?

Don't go to doctors. Living in a socialist healthcare system, I go to doctors all the time. They rarely do me any good, and the good they do do me ins't worth the hassle or the pain. Tuesday they shoved a hose down my throat to take tissue samples from my gut: endoscopy. Absolutely devestating, even though he told me it wouldn't hurt at all, and my throat still hurts from the procedure after two days, I'm begining to think it's infected. Guess what the brilliant conclusion of the test was: I've got a little heatburn. Thank you Doctor Deduction, you goddam genius.

Then Dr. Ear-Nose-Throat tells me I've got a hypoatrophied tonsil, I don't know, which may be causing some other problems I've developed recently. That tonsil's been like that forever, though, I told her. But it still might be responsible. Without testing it to find out if it is responsible (an easy procedure, I soon learned), she recommended I have it removed. Why not, it's free?

Oh, and get this: the clinic no longer supplies containers for urine samples, you have to bring them from home! They gave me a note, said to bring back the sample in a clean container with the note and leave it in the Pee Test Reception window. Well, it's their own fault they get to handle pee covered jars now. How am I supposed to know which of my jars are air tight and which ones are leaky? And thank God I never throw any jars away! In your face special lady, I told you they'll come in handy one day!

The Year's First BBQ

Is it still a BBQ if there was no BBQ sauce? Cause there wasn't. There were two types of grill marinated pork and pork sausages, half a potato size french fries, guacamole bean dip and vegetable for dipping. And five million mosquitoes. Here's the best part: Egle and Mindaugas show up, and I have to greet them thus "Mindaugai help! I can't find the grill!!!"

Here's Rastenio idea for my bachelor party: march me naked through the streets of Vilnius wearing only a 9-speed...something...and videotape me being forced to pick up women.

Sandles's okay then

I expected many more people to ridicule me for wearing sandles to work. I skipped the suit coat, and I've got on normal pleated trousers, not suit pants. I'm still wearing a tie though, that's the only incogruence I see. The receptionist at work though told me I'm crazy, that sandles are not propper work attire..."what will students think, you have to set an example!" Here's my example: wear sandles, it's hot out! Since only one person ridiculed me, I guess it's okay.

The Onion is even funnier...

...when you read it at lunch and your colleagues ask you what you're reading about and you tell them, and they think it's real, and they're suprised and intrigued! I remember Lokys once said some Erasmus students came over and thought the Onion articles I'd printed out to read on the bus were real, too. I didn't see their reaction though.

Never wait to buy anything

It might be gone, and then you'll be quite the jack ass!

Don't like it? Open your open restraunt you loser!

The loser in this story doesn't realize that America is a free country, and the lawmaker's no better. The more I think about it, their position isn't just un-American, it's absurd. If Mr. Díaz's law is passed, "requiring retail establishments to accept all forms and denominations of legal tender," that means fast-food restaurants can't have their "no bills larger than 20" policy. That'll be a great incentive to make counterfeit bills, Mr. Diaz. And after somebody pays for a cheeseburger with a thousand dollar bill, there won't be any small bills left to make change for anybody else, dimwit. And I just love the idea of car dealerships being forced to count $50,000 worth of pennies, that's a splendid idea. And guess what else? Do your "diverse ways” of paying for chicken wings include checks and credit cards? Because if they do, that'll increase the price of everything when restaurants are forced to pay fees and instill of those systems. So instead of the poor paying for food with the money they can get ahold of they can't pay for it at all and go hungry.

Mr. Jones and Mr. Diaz, remember how much fun you had today the next time somebody dies of starvation in Albany.

p.s. I'd be just as angry as Mr. Jones, but you know what I do when that happens? I don't throw a tantrum. I don't get the city involved (thanks for wasting thousands of tax dollars). I certainly don't try to get the place shut down, you fuckin fascist. I just don't go there anymore.

Windows, is a piece-of-trash! Windows, more annoying than-my-rash! Windows, ba da da Windows, you make me want to kill myself!

well, i finally made my father a 32 minute dvd of the past years photos with soundtrack and video clips. it took me exactly one full excruciating day. one hour of that was figuring out how the fuck to remove the titles i had added: when i added more pictures, the titles didn't move over together with the pictures they were supposed to be on, so we ended up with the "Christmas 2006" title on a beach photo, for instance. you can't possibly imagine how complicated it was to delete them, because it's un-fucking-fathomable. the help tool was useless. i even turned on skype to tell him it was ruined after 12 hours work, but he wasn't there. it's only by the greatest stroke of luck that i stumbled upon it, and then i summarily forgot and had to retrace my steps for the next titles, that's how nonsensical windows movie maker is.

of course, i guess i'm spoiled because i grew up with a mac. this dvd is measly compared to the vignette a&e biography lokys and i made of ourselves with ease three years ago.

This new Onion bit is awesome, I guess I'm a fan...

...this here is the second one in a row I've had to link to, it's so funny.

I Eat Your Stomach

You ever have somebody come up to you with a baggie of snack food and say "Here. Stomachs." Yuck. I took one chicken stomach just to be polite, but I have to say I'm not just not a fan, I'm staunchly against eating plain organs. Stomachs? Yuck. Liver? Yuck. Tongue? Double Yuck. Testicles? They weren't that bad, but Yuck!

You gotta hit this link...

Saruno post is a link to the most funniest clip that proves the Simpsons is the most accurate satire on the market!

I can't remember why I don't have a gun...

My favorite magicians reminded me in this intersting piece on Bullshit.

Scroll down to the Second Amendment paragraph of this page for a consice summary of how to reduce gun violence.