New Year’s Resolutions, mondo retardo

Dear God, will You ever forgive a poor idiot’s stupidity? How could I ever, ever be such a dolt? I will never be such a fool again; not by doctor’s orders or anybody else’s will I ever forswear beer again.

Christ, the fuck was I thinking? Christ! For New Year’s, I decided I would not drink beer till it was hot. I thought, it’s fucking freezing anyway, why the fuck do I come in from the freezing cold and order a tall frosty one at the bar? Yeah, I guess that was sort of logical, for about five minutes till I warm up…

(also my tremendous obesity played a part in my decision, i'm up to 12,000kg)

BIG has this great aspect: the first thing to be thrown in your face upon your entering is the booze section. That’s the last place I bought booze in Klaipėda, so I was reminded of this…it was in November! I haven’t bought booze in Klaipėda for three months!

Three things colluded to this: 1, I bought some booze in Austria; 2, my diplomat friend Mortimer keeps me stocked via duty free from time to time, in exchange for the two dollar bills my grampa sends me; 3, the New Year’s Resolution; 4 my master’s studies take a lot of time; 5 even after 8 months of Cedric being gone I still haven’t found a replacement for him, that is, a reason to drink for no reason.

(I shall here note that I bent the term “hot” to include being with one super fine hottie special lady, so I have actually bought beer a few times, but only to bring to her place or at a bar with her, never to bring home)

Anyway, having realized I hadn’t spent a cent on booze in three months except for special occasions or dates, I marched right to the beer aisle and picked me up some Kalnapilis Export. Oh man, I’m so glad I did that. It totally was the way to go. If anyone is ever considering quitting beer or giving up beer or cutting down on beer or abstaining from beer, let me explain something to you: shut the fuck up and have a beer, and buy me one too while you're at it.

p.s. there’s gonna be another p.s. after this, so just hold your horses. first of all, it’s hard enough to explain to people why the hell i’m in lithuania without giving up beer. that was my number two reason for christssake. getting by with the truth, a feeling of heritage, is just too bothersome except for really formal circles.

p.p.s. in class friday my students asked me my favorite beer, and i told them kalnapilis export, which is too bad though because nowadays it only comes in plastic bottles, and they burst out laughing and batman shouted “you drink beer from plastic bottles?!?!” i guess it’s like not classy for a professor or something?