An interesting batch from Statcounter

This week's results are more varried than usual, here's some of the searches:

vebra flower (canada)
they got these big chewy pretzels
sirvydas vebra
a hole bunch of pictures of best friends
the best tattoos
tattoos on vagina
lokys liepa (2 times)
liepa vebra
meet hottie simona (Peru)
there was one from spain a couple weeks ago: lokys stupid

my siblings and i seem to be a popular search topic...

The most exciting thing...

It's really exciting to skip lunch in favor of eating meatloaf sandwiches on the bus to Vilnius after work. I made enough for six hearty men, but just for two people, so I could use mad left overs to make these babies. It's gonna be a hungry wait, but the pay off is gonna be so worth it, I'm gonna be moaning in that bus, everybody's gonna hear me going "mmm...[chewing sounds]...mmm...oh baby...mmm..."

Then when I get to Vilnius it's Šašlikai Time, in honor of Lokys and Liepa's Citizenship Party. So today is a day of gluttony, but the rest of the weekend won't be, I don't think, cause it's Gedo Birthday, and we'll be on some kind of fantasy island plantation where we have to forage for food, or maybe they leave some hidden packages of food in hard to reach places or something, I don't know all the rules yet.

Confession: Pride

So I've been reading more of Mere Christianity, and I just read the chapter on Pride. Here's the gist of it: "Pleasure in being praised is not Pride...The trouble begins when you pass from thinking, 'I have pleased [someone]; all is well,' to thinking, 'What a fine person I must be to have done it.'" (C. S. Lewis 1952)

There's much more, if you disagree the quotation you should really read the whole chapter, it's as well written as the rest of the book (Liepa explained to me that link I gave two weeks ago ins't the whole book, incidentally). Anyway, I figured I'm probably GUILTY of this baby, BIG TIME, as you may have guesed from the title of this blog. So I figured I'd keep count. I estimated a count of 20 Pride sins per day, but it's 4:30, I've been up since 5:50 a.m., and it's only been 4:

1. an sms from my special lady about what a great dream she had about me made me think "what a fine person I must be for that to have happened!"
2. an email from a colleague made me think "what a fine person I must be for him to be so excited to have a meeting with me!"
3. my students told me a grammatical explaination I gave was the same as in text books, and I thought "what a brilliant professor I am to make up off the top of my head the same things experts come up with for books!"
4. and I'm not sure if this counts, but the repair guy called up to tell me my lap top was fixed, and I thought, "that's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to anybody, because my excitement matters more than anybody elses!"

So is that alot? I feel like that's not that much, at least it's less than I expected. And this experament comes at a funny moment, cause on Easter my special lady asked me at church if I was going to confession, and I told her I can't imagine what I'd say, besides regularly forgetting to go to church.

How can I hate coffee?

I had a cold two weeks ago, and when I have a cold I dislike certain flavors, e.g. coffee and beer. I know other people like that too. But I got better and I still can't drink coffee. Monday I thought my old coffee at home was stale. Tuesday I thought my old coffee at work was stale. But now I went to the cafeteria and bought a couple cups (Lithuanian size) to fill my normal sized mug, and I can't drink that either! WTF?! I'm very tired, I've been at work since seven this morning, and I still have some complicated documents to draft. I'm fucked unless I gulp down this coffee. And my life is going to taste disgusting if I don't get back to loving the taste of coffee, cause that's my main source of fuel.

Here's an interesting story from the Tete's blog

Trust and Wealth Management Marketing: If things are so bad, then why are they so good?

Lokio SMSes

Are you sure you tried to download them all? Cock Sucker!!! Also neither cock nor sucker are the first words to come up?!? Cock Sucker!!!!!

Also did you slip work for snoring or did you just poor at work?

[Leaving work early for a booty call]'s the way to be, or else take a long lunch and go for the nooner.

I remember the first time i heard about nooners, married with children. Same for you?
(The answer was yes of course)

A Quick Recap

Went to Vilnius Friday before Easter, still wan't feeling well so I stayed in to be ready to meat my special lady and try to find a ham with Lokys and deliver a package to somebody. Met them Saturday and went on the Ham-Hunt with Lokys. Problem was, neither of us ever baught a ham, and we didn't even know if it's supposed to be raw or cured or smoked. No Luck at the Turgus. So we head to Maxima, and they got nothin the size of a ham ever, but I'm like "Yo! I need a giant ham, dude!" ("Gal turite milžiniško kumpio? Su kaulu?") And she indicates a 1KG slab of ham, but I'm like no: GIANT like 10KG and she's like Oh My God No and I'm like Oh Yeah Baby, You Bet Your Pantaloons Yeah Habibi! And she goes in the back and raps with the butcher and he's like awe yeah kid, we got that shit! They wrap up an 8 KG hunk of meat so big the walls of the shopping basket are buldging out. Lokys was like I wonder what Liepa'll say and I said "she'll say 'Oh My God.'" That is what she said.

We made some margučiai, mine sucked though. I kept thinking I'll make a better one tomorrow, but then I decided to just make a better one next year.

So we decided to go to noon mass so we could party Saturday night, even though we wouldn't be able to eat until 2 after church. Lokys and I and my special lady went (incidentally she finally saw The Big Lebowski Saturday and learned the etymology) to church and it was pretty good, it reminded me from stuff from Mere Christianity, which I mentioned a post or two ago, so we had stuff to talk about on the way home. Then home, and the HAM wasn't ready till FIVE, but when we ate it it was the best thing ever! The fat was the first fat I've had in my life that I could just eat plain, is was scrumptious. I don't even remember what else we had, the HAM was so good!

After that I can tell you this: telecommuting is not as easy as everyone thinks. It's hard to explain things, cause you gotta do it by email or sms unless you're so lucky that everyone you work with has skype. One of my colleagues does, thank God, but she wasn't at her computer for most of the day, and I'm a big enough idiot to leave my phone's sound off so I find 8 missed calls from her so then I do have to call her. And also if you're like me your colleagues can't scan things and email them to you, they can only fax them, so you still have to get dressed to drive to a fax machine place, unless you're super lucky and have a beautiful friend who can receive it someplace for you and scan and email it to you, I got lucky there, thank God!

Good work accomplished for the college Friday, I'm going to Germany after Turkey now if May, Hooray! For Free!

Had an anniversary dinner Saturday with the special lady, which was a surprise to her. She thought we were picking up Gedas and Juste for a dinner at home, but in fact we dropped off the special baby and went to dinner just the two of us at the best place I know and a walk in the park after. Thanks Gedai ir Juste!

The ride back to KL was a breeze, slept the whole fuckin way yeah bitch, yeah!!!

A new member in my Favorite Authors Group

Once Peanut complained to me about reading that "no book could ever make you laugh out loud." This was probably seven or eight years ago, and ever since then I remember his staunch resolution whenever a book makes me laugh out loud. This happened several times last night while reading Book II of C. S. Lewis's Mere Christianity. This guy is one funny SOB. I can't give you any quotes, because it's always after a long set up in the context of the book.

I'm not wont to review a book I'm less than half way through, but yesterday was the worst day of my life until I picked it up, and then it turned into the best. Hugely uplifting. My mother is the best book recommender/lender ever, except for when my father is. The link in the first paragraph gives you the entire book, incidentally. It's not really stealing since Lewis's dead.

When did I become so unhealthy?

Last time I was feeling under the weather and drinking mad tea and vitamin C, one of my colleagues was like, "when are you not sick?!" Do I really get sick that often? I only remember once this year before today, during flu week, when everybody was sick. And this time it's because of a certain special baby coughing and sneezing and spitting (yeah, she spits) her baby cold germs everywhere. Christ, how bout covering your mouth once in a while? I though I would make it through the day showing students movies in English and testing their recollection, but, alas, I'm already making a mess spilling things and knocking things over...so it's home to make chicken soup.

Speaking of which, when are they gonna get some goddam campbell's fricken soup in this country? I'm so sick I have to go home from work, my colleagues are like "get outta here with that thing!" and I have to stop at market to buy a chicken back and carrots and shit and boil soup for a an hour or two before i start healthifying myself...

I'm so ronery, I am so ronery...

I gave away my laptop last night to be repaired. They're gonna call me today to either tell me to come get it or bring in the box for it to be shipped for repairs...luckily I'm sick so I just went to bed right away, cause if I had to sit around my room by myself without crappy backgammon, crappy hearts, and snood, I don't know how many times I'd kill myself.

Oh and I miss my special lady too ;)

UPDATE!
I got the call...I'm on my way to bring them the box...rooks rike I am so ronery for some serious time to come... :(

Advice

Here's some classic words of inexperience: "you really think we'll eat that much?" The correct answer is always an emphatic "YES!" I mistakenly answered last night "Fine, just get three chicken thighs then." Me so stupid. No catastophy, but the result was that instead of giant chicken sandwiches with mushrooms onions and green pepper for dinner, we ate giant mushroom-onion-green pepper sandwiches with a little chicken in there somewhere.

Das Comp

Hey anybody ever have this happen? My left laptop mouse button won't work, nor does it work to click on the touch pad. I can scroll on it, but not click. Right click works fine. I thought it must be a software, not a hardware problem since I can scroll but not click. However, when I attach a real mouse to the laptop, everything works fine, which makes me think it's a hardware problem after all.

If I give away the comp for repairs I may lose it for a long time, like even weeks. Any advice?

I can finally stay in Lithuania permanently!

The Tim Robbins Fan Club

Just in case he ever shows up to our meetings,
we have a special dressing room for him to get into his karate kimono
and spike up his hair and put his headband on...

i'm obsessed!

i'm krumas, fyi:

Krumas: if you do that, i could come back with you
liepag: i know
Krumas: if it's just the two of you in a car
liepag: if
Krumas: that would be the most amazing thing in the work
Krumas: work
Krumas: i mean, work
Krumas: fuck
Krumas: W O R L D
liepag: hahahah
liepag: world
liepag: yes

Spring is in the air! Ah, what a beautiful Lithuanian spring...

It may not be just how extremely goodlooking I am after all...

I cleared up the confusion yesterday when I asked a waitress why everybody thinks I'm foreign. She said "Windbreaker jacket on top of a suit." This makes sense because I just recently started wearing it, when my overcoat's arm tore off!

I guess it does look a little silly!

The cat's outta the bag!

I bumped into one of my favorite students yesterday, one of the ones I was really glad chose me as her course paper sponsor. Among other things, she mentioned "Suradau Tavo dienorasti :) "

"...ka...?"

"Nezinau ar taip vadinasi, bet ten kur rasai internete."

I assumed my students found this blog earlier, but this is the first time anyone's said anything to me. Ever since I got statcounter I see that there's about five to ten internet searches each week for my name just from Klaipeda. I only know of a couple people who are either enamored or enraged by me. I guess there's a whole slew of enamored ones though... ;) Who's left but my students? I guess maybe my professors, that'd be a little more embarassing. I don't know who the hell's looking for me in New Jersey.

She's a fourth year, almost out, and decidedly disenchanted by the college, with the exception of me and two other professors, so I hope she listened when I told her not to tell anybody! Davai, shhh :D

How come I never post jokes here? This one's ok.

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I’m beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

What's better for film making, beer or wine?

What a quandry. I imagine film making to go together with one of these things, I'm not sure why. Maybe cause it's like an art or something, and you know artists. A few weeks ago I tried a liittle wine before getting to know my film making software. That was just very frustrating. Lokys and I made a movie a few years ago on our father's Mac. Man, was that a breeze. You just hook up the camera and you're doing it, and in like an hour you've got something to be proud of. After an hour of doing this on Windows I had an empty bottle of wine and a grudge against Bill Gates. And I was hungry.

I got a new program on the advise of Darius, though, at least to edit my photos, which is very convenient. And I installed some dvd making software that has a movie maker with it. And I had a left over liter of beer from last night, so I decided that this is the time to shine. After breakfast today, I made my first movie, and drank a beer. Two beers. Four if you're French, those pussies. It's a 25 minute mix of home movies, short slide shows, clips of me preparing food, e.g. a giant meatball sandwich, and monologues directed towards the recipient of this April Fool's Day gift, my special lady.

So the answer is beer. Beer is a better catalyst for movie making. Unless the events of the day have just been a coincidence! That'd be a first. I've always wondered what a coincidence would be like...

Stink Bag

I ran out of deodorant a few days and haven't replenished my supply yet! Oh no! I'm at work thinking "Damn what's that fuckin stench, the French? No, it's me! Sacré bleu!!!"

braga larga equals interesting week-bend!

i came to vilnius and met my special lady and baby on friday, and we met up with my buddy aurimas immediately because he had a test the next morning, so he couldn't come to my place to party, which is what was on our agenda. we went to chili pica near the station, and the waitress comes, and i'm like "kalnapilis please!" and she's like, "big or small?" and i'm "big! the biggest!" and she's like "a liter?"

oh o. shit. i didn't think they had liters. i'd just had a couple liters on the bus, and i was in a bit of a hurry to get home, but what could i say now? "sorry, just kidding, i'm not a real man... sorry, i was just kidding about wanting a grand beer, bring me a meek one... i'm a little tea cup, short and stout..." so i ordered a liter.and then so did my special lady. and then so did aurimas. and shrtly we were joined by liepa's boyfriend karolis, who also ordered a liter. after the liter aurimas decided to come party after all :D

friday it was chill, chatting with everybody, and frequent comments from a certain somebody who was nervous about meeting my mother, who was coming home late after a wake in a place far, far away.

saturday she and i and lokys and liepa and karolis went for a walk, and lokys and i went sledding, can i show you the video of that via blogger? it's kinda funny.

the most noteworthy event that evening was that after finally after talking my special lady to hit the sauna with me, we got locked in! called liepa, and she was like "OH MY GOD WE'RE COMING RIGHT NOW!!!" she thought we we're in the actually sauna room, not able to get out the the sauna's anteroom, even though that's as far as any sane person would have brought his cell phone. lokys couldn't fix it from outside. he ran around (naked after the sauna through the snow) the house to give me a screwdriver, but the screw holding the handle in place was stripped, no go. so she and i had to climb out the window and run around through the snow and climb up the balcony, which i was carful to be careful going over, cause it's just above crotch height, but i still managed to slip and drop my 97kg on lefty...

I hope this is just because of how extrememly good looking I am

Lately more strangers have started addressing me in English, like waitresses or people at the gym. I thought, wtf, has my accent gotten worse? So I says to my special lady, I says, "wtf bizzatch, you were sposed ta have a good influence on my goddam language skills!" And my special lady then, she says "Shoot the fook up, ya bloody raising tart, I dinna fookin da yarball!" She's Lithuanian-Scottish, did I mention that?

So then yesterday evening I'm in line at Media (grocery store), and I get up to the register not having said a word, and the cashier's like "Hello," and I just chuckle, and then she's like "Ten seventy-one please," and I'm like, "Atsiprasau, ar galima paklausti kodel visi mano, kad as uzsienietis?!" And then she cracks up out of embarrasment and apologizes and says she can't exactly even put her finger on it.

So I assume it's my better than average looks, my trim beard (i think it might be metrosexual), my wardrobe being mostely foreign, and my plastic rimmed glasses. And then my accent, but that's only after I open my pie hole.

Sms inbox from 2.6.2006 onward…

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So Cold-Oh My GOD!

It's so friggen cold I can't believe it, here's an sms I wrote somebody this morning:

Oh my God I'm freezing my FUCKIN FACE OFF!! Yeah HABIBI: Fuck! As myliu Tave, davai paglostyk man snuki! Shit salta! I'm gonna kill myself! God as [blah blah blah]

One of those days?

I go upstairs to work with better wireless than we gots on the first floor, and the girl whose office i'm in gets invited to something clandestine... "hey! come on! you gotta come, we're gonna...um..you know...get those books ready for you..." reply: "Uuh, yeah, I know what you mean, I'll be there..."

i don't know why i was kept out of the loop, but so i dip in there to give the girl her office key, and low and behold 20 women boozing and snacking, and i tried to just dip out and let em shoot whatever secret shit they're shooting, but you know this situation...there's no way they're letting their only male colleague go after he's made an appearance...

it was a birthday, and i could accept champagne and refuse brandy only so many times, wtf? so i got half drunk, and than this bitch from the bank calls me for like the tenth time to offer me a presentation about savings options, and finally i'm like alright, i can come to day at five thirty, and she's like how about earlier, and i'm like no way, i've got a job [slurp my brandy], i got work to do.

so then i leave and as soon as i get back to my own desk my reminder goes off on my cell phone, i got to go to university to get my equivalency degree requirements arranged! and i say to my colleague "shit, i'm half drunk and now i gotta go do this?!" and she's like "whatever, just tell them it was somebod's birthday, you're a human being..."

so i go do that, no problem, except i was sweating cause i just marched there, cause i'm a friggen soldier-kabob. but then i'm done in like 7 minutes, so then i actually could have been to the bank much earlier, but i didn't know how to get back in touch with the bitch from the bank, who actually sounds like a perfectly doable young woman (time to get my groove on and hit those low interest rates), so now i came to Kurpiai to kill a half hour on the interest, i mean, internet, before my meeting. wish me luck getting a mortgage or whatever they're gonna give me!

Someone would steal that cart if she could just get her balance!

 

This is the second one: us laughing hysterically!

We only took two photos?

This is us having some beer...

Family Dinner? Too Many Dishes!

Screw making myself family dinners. I was so hungry yesterday, though I'd been eating normally, I figured I'm probably lacking some vitamins or minerals or something, so instead of just making myself a giant sandwish or fried or deep fried meet and potatos, I thought I better go for a more wholesome sort of dinner: porkchops with mushroom/wine/cream sauce, egg noodles, and steamed broccoli. Sounds like a nice family dinner, right? Yeah, well, guess what! Afterwards you gotta clean TWO pans and TWO pots!!! WTF?! And since I always burn everything AND have no dish soap (or body soap, incidentally, or shampoo) that's really really hard! Last time I ever do that. Those dishes are gonna be sitting in my sink for days.

Gedo and Juste's Visit

Fiday, which is what we call Friday in Lithuania, I half jokingly said to Gedas, "Klaipeda part of your plans for the weekend?" And he was like, "that may in deed be a perfectly cromulent suggestion, dude!" And so I was all, "oh wow, that's cool, man, yeah man, hardy har har, this land is my land !" So he and Juste hitchhiked here, which was impressive, because they had a late start. Last time I tried to hitchhike to Klaipeda from Vilnius with such a late start I had to sleep in a dumpster with Rastenis...that idiot! :)

Anywho, they showed up and I shoved a mushroom-pepperoni pizza into the oven, and after we greedily gobbled it down and looked at my more interesting photos and videos I've taken so far over some vodka martinis we jetted to Troba (The Shack) for beers. Photos to come, whenever I figure out how to load them here.

They kicked us outta there at two, and we walked back. I knocked on the door for the company monkey to let us in, and I turned around and saw that Juste was still holding a beer in a glass we'd won by ordering enough beer. "She can't see you bringing that inside! DRINK IT!"

So Juste takes a tiny little sip, and I can already see the woman coming. "Gimme that I'll help you!" I chugged like half a beer in two seconds, but a significant amount spilled itself down my cheeks, and I was still wiping it off my face as the door was opened for us.

The next morning we had to get up at 7 to make the 9:10 bus to Village. That didn't happen, even though my special lady, upon my request, called to wake me up. "Yeah, okay, we're going," I said at 7:30. We were going to visit her and her family, whom I'd never met yet.

She called again at 9:30, "Are you on the bus already, I thought you'd sms me to say so by now."

"Um, well you see, um, what happened was, um uh ah ammmmmmmmmm.."

"ARE YOU STILL IN BED? WTF???"

"Yeah but it's not my fault! You don't understand, we um, there was, ammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

So we tried to make it to the 10:55, which still wasn't easy, cause I'd forgotten to finish making the truffles, so I balled them up in the morning. We got in a taxi. "To the bus station. And that be great if you could get us there in 8 minutes." He says, "no problem." As soon as we pull out we're in a traffic jam. Gedas asks him why he listens to Russian music, and they start debating history, and I keep thinking, "God, how the fuck can they casually chat about the Lublin Agreement when we're about to miss this fucking bus?!" We pulled in and Gedas jokinly said "it's probably the bus that's pulling out," but the cabby thought he was serious so he jets around to where it's pulling out and blocks it! And it was ours! NICE!!

We played Yatzi on the bus, and I won!

Then there was a funny moment. We got off the bus seperately, and I met my special lady. She wanted to hurry up, but I was like, "Wait, I have to ask you something. Remember when you told me about how you get all nervous before meeting people, but it's actually irrational, and that as soon as you actually meet them it disappears? And then I said I better not tell you you're ever going to meet my family or friends, just make it a surprise every time to avoid the anxiety? And you thought that was probably a good idea? Well, let's go over and meet those two chaps over there, then." She said if I do that I again I'll end up with a gray haired special lady by the time she's 25.

We had fun there, especially Gedas and Juste playing with the special baby, and we walked around and had a snowball fight. On the was out her mother was absolutely insistant that we take something to drink on the bus, she just wouldn't take no for an answer. So then we had this conversation:

"So, should we crack open that bottle?"
"I don't know, I don't wanna get drunk."
"Yeah, me neither.
...pause...
"But her mother said we're young men, that we should have some fun."
"Yeah, and that because we're young men, this little bit won't even get us drunk."
...pause...
"That's right, she did say that. And she's a mother. Mother knows best, right?"
"Oh yeah. But hey, she's not even just a mother, she's a grandmother! She's gotta be a genious!"
"Oh, we difinately gotta drink it then!"
"Yeah, open that thing up on the double!"

Then we went to Onyx. They closed early cause nobody was there. These idiots boarded up the main door and didn't post a sign for the side door, so only regulars realized they were open. Then to Memelis, with three highlights:

1. G&J got to hear Saido infamous cursing, e.g. "Pyzdinsim kurva blet i pirma auksta na huj!" which is the needlessly dirtiest way imaginable to say "let's go to the first floor."
2. A girl so drunk she went up on stage to participate in a dance contest including banging of clogs and wearing of a big hat. The music came on, and she drops the clogs on the floor and just looks at them, then she takes off the hat and throws that on the floor too and just looks at it. Everybody laughing his ass off.
3. The last contest we watched, girls doing something like flip cup, but instead of cups they were coasters, and instead of landing right they had to be caught in midair. We're all in the front row, and we keep shouting our own count to the MC, cause many of the calls were controversial, and then we just started shouting "give us free beer! we want free beer!!"

Stopped at the boat, cover charge forget that, so back to my place, for a lengthy heated debate about me requiring American English of my students, which was utterly pointless, it just made everybody feel bad. But then we moved onto other, more fun things and topics. Juste hit the sack, and Gedas and I were about to leave her be, but on the way out I burst out laughing, fell to the floor, dropped everything I was holding, and rolled around on the ground laughing hysterically, uncontrolably for what felt like 20 minutes, but was actually probably just one. That's never happened to me before, it was awesome, I couldn't believe what was happening.

Discovering Nature Only Through Technology

I was 35 minutes early for a meeting today at University. A week ago I probably just would have gone in and read a book (this isn't a person who is likely to be free early than the agreed time). But now that I have a digital camera, I can enjoy myself outdoors again without the company of people and partying. So I took a walk down to the German Graveyard 1939-1945 and took a bunch of photos. You wanna see 'em? Dream on! After I find enough spare time to figure out how to make slideshows and video montages or whatever the monkey they're called for dvds, then I'll try to find the time to figure out how to post some here...:D

My Comedy Rip Offs

Whenever I recall a good joke in the middle of a lecture I try to work it in, but it's never worked as well as today. We were talking about the best literature I've ever read, Franny % Zooey by J. D. Salinger, in which a man pretends that a letter which is very dear to him is actually not memorable. This is odd, isn't it? That's how I always start off, if something's odd, that means we can interpret it. Don't people usually make a big deal about getting letters, not the opposite? And then I remembered a really great comedy bit by Kevin James (Sweat the Small Stuff), and I went on to totally rip it off, the bit about how men get cards but they don't read them, just pretend to be excited about them and then open them and try to decide how long it would take to read them, and when they should stick in a nod...and if you're a man make sure you don't leave a receipt in the car that says "greeting card"..."snickers bar"...she'll be pissed about that!

Sweden Part C

Then Friday was workshop day. We had a couple workshops, the notes of which should be published in the future (I still have to type mine up because they're indecipherable, everybody thought we were only going to present them orally). I'll add them to this post or another post too. It was very interesting, the first one anyway. The working group was half made up of people I'd already talked with quite a bit, including a Hungarian dude with whom I wrote a bi-lateral, a lovely Turk with whom I also wrote one, a passionate Austrian, a talkative Portuguese doctor and a thought Finnish Canadian. The topic was preparing teachers for global classrooms, and it was a fun discussion, I was disappointed we had to cut it off after an hour and a half. The next Workshop was less intersting.

That afternoon was the least interesting ever. The least important speakers always get bumped to Friday afternoon, when nobody feels like listening anymore, which reinforces the lack of enthusiasm. The last guy droned on about like who his wife was or something for like five minutes, at which point I decided to take a bathroom break for about an hour. I went back with five minutes left to make sure I didn't miss anything, and saw that about half the hall had opted likewise.

Sweden 2

Are my new colleagues finding my blog? Statcounter showed somebody from Spain reading...Paco? Erasmus coordinator from Spain? No. Just somebody types this into google: Lokys Stupid Idea.

Anyway the blunders started turning into successes. The next day was speeches at the conferene center, where the hotel was also. It was slightly less interesting than the first day, but during meals and coffee breaks I got more chances to arrange the future of my College. But then after three was big deal making time, each country got a table to set up materials from their institutions, and everybody walked around meeting people. That evening there was a band that played Swedish folk music before and after dinner, which was a herring appetizer (delicious) and a reindeer main course (delicious). The music was okay, I recorded a little of it. I’m not a huge fan of folk music beyond my own folk. I always understood that to be the point of it, not the music itself. That night I joked around with the bartender enough that he hooked us up with free drinks, and then we spiked them with bobeline.

Sweden: a series of successes...no wait, those are called blunders!

So my trip to Sweden began with alot of quality moments, letäs see if i can remember all of them. Hmm. No. Iäm surely forgetting some, cause this wonät make up a series, but letäs see anyway. Upon arrival I put down my stuff at an ATM to take out some swedish crowns. When I was done I noticed a wet spot around my duty free bag. I guess I put it down too hard. Sorry Sarunai, no starka for us. Ö(

Then, possibly because Iäd had to be up since four, or more likely because I couldnät stop day dreaming about my sepcial lady, I was about to get off the shuttle bus without my jacket. Luckily I was traveling with a couple women who helped me out. Then I was about to get off the subway without my suitcase. nice. i had to get up at four though, so thatäs my excuse, plus i couldnät stop daydreaming about my special lady.

Scrumdiddlyumtious

tried to copy teta lijoje's scrumdiddlyumtious recipe for pancakes with cottage cheese filling this morning, and i came really close. it was even more orgasmic than hot sandwiches, since i mixed my special lady's cherry preserves in with the cottage cheese...oh my GOD!

i was so lucky, i expect, because i used a really old fashion cook book from the 50s that my mommy purposefully sought out for me for christmas, or special ordered or something. it's hard to believe that we're all so trendy hash slingers today that all the great stuff from the past is forgotten in the states.

The Battle of Wills has Begun

My special baby sleeps in the same room as my special lady and I. Sometimes she wakes up and starts screaming. Not crying, just screaming. Not upset, just determined to impact her environment (us). She's teething too, but I don't see how getting into bed with us makes the pain go away instantly.

So it's on now. When I was a baby my parents tried the thing where you just let the baby cry out the night, and the baby'll be so exhausted the following evening he'll sleep like a...um...baby. I totally defeated them, I bawled incessantly for three nights in a row until they caved in.

Can I be as stubborn a parent as I was a baby? Can I will myself to sleep with my special baby howling herself silly ten feet from my ears? I'm pretty confident. After a while last night my special lady caved in, though, right as doubts were possibly about to start creeping in my direction.

To make the battle easier, I figure I can make sweet frozen waffles (they're not for sake in Lithuania), to give her something to suck on and numb her teeth at the same time. Or, I can poke out my ear drums. Any advice?

Smores for Lunch

I totally just had eight smores for lunch. There was no marshmellow, though. Colleague's new office party. Anything to keep from eating the shit in the cafeteria.

Finishing All My Work Early

Do you ever come to work and finish everything by 11a.m.? That's awsome. I had to be here at 8a.m. (8:20) to make that happen, but it's cool anyway. Luckily I have to bring one of the things to a meeting at 3; I don't think I could stand a six hour lunch.

Here's the tricks:

1. The person whose phone number you gotta find and call in the morning tells you to call back tomorrow.
2. To fill out the financing request for money next year, just copy last years and change the numbers. I got the idea for that by noticing that the proposal form they sent me was copied from last year's with the year changed, but they skipped a couple spots which tipped me off.

So now I'll catch up on things that I was supposed to do a long time ago and haven't gotten to yet.

NOT ONE ESSAY???

Papers were due in two classes yesterday, and in one class 5/13 students were absent, and of the remaining eight not one had finished his essay. The conversation that follows may be proof of one of my disorders.

Professor: What's going on here, is this a joke?!
Students: No! We had to prepare for English Grammar class!
Professor: What do you like your Grammar teacher better than me?
Students: No.
Professor: Are her classes more fun than mine?
Students: No!
Professor: Does she scent her assignment sheets with perfume?
Students: [LOL] NO!
Professor: Didn't I bake you guys cookies last semester??? Does she bake you things more often?
Students: [LOL] NO!
Professor: Don't you know English Practice is more important than Grammar?
Students: Uh, no, why?
Professor: Didn't you [Student X] just take an ESL test to go work abroad this summer?
Student X: Yes.
Professor: Did it have a bunch of Grammar questions, or was it more like English Practice, you know, talking about cleaning chores and picking vegetables?
Student X: It was all Practice.
So my class is more useful, so there! And you know I take off two points per day (out of ten)! Does she take off more than that?!
Students: If we come unprepared twice we fail the class.
Ahh... So... I have to increase the penalty, right, for you to do the work on time? Alright, I'll see about that...
Students: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Thanks Rachel

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Class Material

Using The Onion and Mises Institute articles as class material is a good way to expose students to everyday language and cuts down on prep time. It's especially good, for instance, to use op/ed pieces.

Waiting is a Bitch

My new digital camera is waiting for me in Vilnius...I'll see it in one week, if I don't kill myself waiting for it! :o

Just kidding, people don't really kill themselves.

Fat Tuesday

Students came to sing and demand pittance from me on this, the day of Fat Tuesday. So I locked my trasnparent glass door and went under my desk with my lap top. After three minutes of "We can see you Mr. Vebra!" "Come out come out wherever you are!" "We know you're in there!" I couldn't stop laughing anyway, so I came out and had a goofy conversation through the door, then agreed to open the door, and agreed to come to the burning of the winter bitch today at 11:40. Pittance if usually candy or change or something. I gave them all I had, a half eaten cup cake :p

The Price You Pay for Humility

There's sort of a running joke in my master's classes that I have a usually different, often humorously so, perspective on things, and it's not hard to get me to do something to make that known. At the begining of my exam on Saturday our professor goes "I don't know why you're all so nervous, it's just an exam, you all look you're going to defend your disertations! Well, all of you except for Aras..."

Worrying doesn't help once there's no more preperation to be prepped, from my perspective.

After she corrected them we're all sitting there with our grade books, where she'll have to write in our grade and sign it. After much praise, she said, "you've done so well, I could let you write your grades in yourself!" So I lifted my pen up to write in my 10, and she grabs my arm, "NO, not really!" And everybody laughed at my goofiness.

Then she gets an idea, "don't you think it'd be interesting and fun to write your own grades and see how accurately you manage to evaluate yourselves?" Everybody except for me shouted "NO! We don't want to at all!" While I sat there all casual and smug. I'd noticed her handle my term paper with marked respect, and the exam wasn't that hard. So she goes, "Well, I know at least Aras won't mid participating, will you?" And she sign my grade book with the spot for the grad left blank, and turns the back around to me. I promtly and without hesitation write myself in a 10, and she says, "Exactly what I would have written."

Then she does the same thing for the next girl, but my fellow student is too humble to participate in the experiment. So, game over, now it's time for everyone to go up, one by one, to get the low down on your paper, your exam, and what that makes your final grade. She went first...

She only got a 9!!! She had the chance to give herself a 10, and she was too humble to take it.

Family Reunion

Yo my family's been like disunited or whatever for almost two months, I been livin' without my brethren, as the fella says. Or does he?

So this weekend Lokys and Liepa came for a vist to Klaipeda. We made zuppa tuscana and I got wastefaced, I don't know why, but I was shitcaked. I had an argument with Lokys and my special lady, defending myself for not finishing my beer, claiming that I shouldn't have to finish my beer because the size it comes in is arbitrary, who the fuck's to say that exactly .5 liters is the best serving size, huh?!

Also we played buck eurchre, Liepa won, I was like 20 in the hole.

In the morning we ate cottage cheese and jam, and Lokys and I played Backgammon, which is a perfectly cromulent game, I don't know why it's so unpopular. I feel like nobody's ever even heard of it, or if someone has he'll just be like "yeah that's that really old fashioned game that like knights and shit used to play or something?" I won, and Lokys owes me fifty cents.

Then we walked around Klaipeda, including Port Hard to Resist, the Kalnapilis boat (in which my special baby made a great ruckas, and kept shoving napkins in my mouth) for a beer, a fat tuesday parade, Hitler Square, and the sculpture park, and this photo gallery that Liepa wanted to see.

Then we went to BIG to buy food, and we spent an amazing 90 for food, only 15 of which was booze, including nothing exotic, just for dinner and breakfast. We had to split dinner into two seperate dinners, one at 8 and one at 11:30, cause it was so much food. Dinner I was pepperoni pizza with a double layer of wall to wall pepperoni, and sauted mushrooms, and seasoned mozzarela, and normal mozarella. Dinner B was barbeque chicken feta bacon pizza with smoked cheese and mozerella and sauteed onions. In between dinners, which were the height of gluttony, we saw a Jim Carrey movie, which was totally funny. We had to get up early for me to go to work, so we hit the hay at 12:30ish.

A Totally Fun Weekend!

When the cat's away...

...the mouse doesn't play, cause he's got to study tonight. The administration's gone for the day, so it's party time, but yours truly is hard at work, well, at least not doing anything that would impair tonight's studying, because i have to...um...study tonight? am i blathering?

Conviviality

Apparently, I'm more interested in my special lady than I ever have been in anybody else in my whole life, because this didn't just happen once, but, according to her, I start talking to her every night at 4 a.m. I just can't help myself, I find her that fascinating that I can't wait for day break to start conversing.

Run Fatty, Run!

Today as I walked to work I was captivated by a fat girl running. It was really funny, and I stopped dead in my tracks to watch her. She ran past me and was headed towards a cross walk, to get to the bus station. A bus had just pulled in; she was trying to make it. She got into the crosswalk, but then waited for oncoming traffic to go by even though she has the right of way, irregardless of how fat she is. "Oh no," I yelled, "you'll never make it now!" Sure enough, as she finally, frantically jiggled across the street, the bus pulled away...

yo decisions are hard

help me decide! i gotta decide this week already, so hurry up!

Sony

Kodak I

Kodak II

Babies babies in your hair, babies babies everywhere

Besides 1/3 of my students being pregnant, I noticed a similar trend through out klaipeda last year, women either getting pregnant, being pregnant, or giving birth (women were pooping out babies on the friggin sidewalk for christsake!). So last year was pregnant year in Klaipeda, and this year is baby year. They're everywhere! You can hardly go to the bathroom without tripping over a baby. And if you do manage to get there without tripping over one, be careful: there might be one hiding in the toilet.

statcounter is interesting

somebody in atlanta, georgia sure know's what she's looking for! she found this blog by googling my name in quotation marks.

American...Stallion?

Here's a conversation I had with the two receptionists last night:

One receptionist to the other: Aras is going away again this week.
Me: No I'm not, I'll be here.
Receptionist: I thought you said you'd only be able to get that key back to me on Monday (I accidentally left before the weekend with a room key in my pocket)
Me: yeah, um...that's cause I, uh, left it at somebody's place...
Both receptionists: [doubled over cackling]
The other receptionist: Do you even remember the lucky young Lithaunia girl's name?!
Me: yes, I do seem to recall it!

I live in a rather male chauvinist society, which is lucky sometimes, but very unlucky other times. My most in-my-face experience with this was one time when I dated something of a colleague, and everybody started treating me like a glorious don juan and her like the town slut.

The longest conversation I ever had

I just talked to Peanut, friend for 15 years, in the best friend group for 10 years, for 27 minutes. We hadn't spoken for a year and a half, and emails have been sporadic. It was very fun to hear he's doing super well, and to hear a bit about others...."Some things never change," we decided. Others... "Wow."

It's funny because I just had a conversation about real men and phone calls with my special lady, in which I quoted this phone call:

[Phone ringing]
Quagmire: Hello?
Peter Griffin: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. What's up?
Peter Griffin: Not much.
Quagmire: Well, what do you want?
Peter Griffin: Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk.
Peter Griffin: What you thinking about?
Quagmire: What do you mean? You called me!
Peter Griffin: I just wanted to say hi.
Peter Griffin: So, what are you...
[click]

My claim was that real men don't call anybody just to talk. Even when a man calls his lover it's actually to make sure she's safe, I claimed, whether he know's it or not.

Can I still be correct despite my subsequent conversation with Peanut? I called him via Skypeout, so it's really practically more like an audio instant message, and only cost me 49 euro cents, right? Right?! Come on!

What the hell are these mittens doing here?

So I shows up to Chili Kaimas just now, to try to give my boys stateside a call from Skypeout at two friggin pennis a minute. I meant "pennies" obviously, you pervert. So anyways, I shows up and and sits down nexta this outlet so I can plug in my laptop into the outlet, and the waitress is like "Maybe you've already chosen something," and I'm like "Um no, I haven't even opened the menu yet," I didn't even have my coat off for crying out loud. Because I'm all beered out after drinking beer with my special lady all weekend (four days), I decided that rather than
Kalnapilis I ordered a pitcher of Švyturio Baltijos, a dark beer. And then I'm like "Damn Gina! It's fuckin hot in this piece, why don't I take off my goddam coat!" And then I look down and see stuck to the velcro next to the zipper two tiny mittens, like the size of my palm. WTF? Ah, of course. At the bustation while my special lady was in the shitter I noticed that my special baby was missing her mittens, and I looked around the ground where I was sitting with her bouncing on me knee, but to no avail. I asked, "Where's you mitten Sweetheart?" She totally ignored me. "Did Mama take them or did you lose them already?" She replied, "Gapla ga ra ra ra: AH...AH!" and waved frantically.

Oh God, I'm drunk?

I haven't gotten drunk for like three weeks, the first time I ever really drank with my special lady. She had a "I'm never drinking again morning," and I because of studying for master's I haven't been out besides with her since. But today, by which I mean oh baby today, I had some drinks with colleagues in honor of a long weekend coming up. And because of this abstaintion I mentioned, as well as my New Year’s Resolution, I guess I've lost my tolerance, so I've got an hour left of being drunk at work. Ha ha :D

And then I get to go meet my special lasy, I mean lady, but maybe I'll start calling her my special lassy, and I sure hope she doesn't find out I'm drunk, which she obviously will in point five seconds:D

Svogūnas

Either I'm just in a fantastic mood because starting in just 6 hours I'm spending four days with my special lady, or this is one of the funniest onion articles ever! Either way, I took it to lunch and could hardly eat I was laughing so much, and I already gave it to my best student to read too.

Suvyenouirs?

Those trinkets of remembrance of a time and/or place, usually?

Words of Condom

A student said to me, "I'm not irresponsible, I'm just an optomist."

I said to a colleague, "Hey I thought we were concerned with quality here, not quantity, right? Well, the quality of my work is extraordinary, so who cares if the quantity is zero?"

Valentines Day Lesson

Apparently, women like surprises. I learned this today. Today my special lady received, at school, in the middle of teaching class, a big bouquette of flowers for Valentines day. They were from me, delivered by the local florist. I hope they were good because there's only one local florist in the megalopolis where she lives. I had to order them by phone so I couldn't even see what I was ordering, but either way it's the thought that counts, right? Anyway, when she got them she called me, which is the first time she's ever called me, and which is pretty amazing, since she's an strict smser, even when it's mortally urgent...now it was to tell me she's never gotten such a surprise in her life...I wonder what kind of flowers they were; all the florist and I really decided on (she didn't even have the flowers yet or know what kind she would have because it was a week ago) was "lots of red."

New Year’s Resolutions, mondo retardo

Dear God, will You ever forgive a poor idiot’s stupidity? How could I ever, ever be such a dolt? I will never be such a fool again; not by doctor’s orders or anybody else’s will I ever forswear beer again.

Christ, the fuck was I thinking? Christ! For New Year’s, I decided I would not drink beer till it was hot. I thought, it’s fucking freezing anyway, why the fuck do I come in from the freezing cold and order a tall frosty one at the bar? Yeah, I guess that was sort of logical, for about five minutes till I warm up…

(also my tremendous obesity played a part in my decision, i'm up to 12,000kg)

BIG has this great aspect: the first thing to be thrown in your face upon your entering is the booze section. That’s the last place I bought booze in Klaipėda, so I was reminded of this…it was in November! I haven’t bought booze in Klaipėda for three months!

Three things colluded to this: 1, I bought some booze in Austria; 2, my diplomat friend Mortimer keeps me stocked via duty free from time to time, in exchange for the two dollar bills my grampa sends me; 3, the New Year’s Resolution; 4 my master’s studies take a lot of time; 5 even after 8 months of Cedric being gone I still haven’t found a replacement for him, that is, a reason to drink for no reason.

(I shall here note that I bent the term “hot” to include being with one super fine hottie special lady, so I have actually bought beer a few times, but only to bring to her place or at a bar with her, never to bring home)

Anyway, having realized I hadn’t spent a cent on booze in three months except for special occasions or dates, I marched right to the beer aisle and picked me up some Kalnapilis Export. Oh man, I’m so glad I did that. It totally was the way to go. If anyone is ever considering quitting beer or giving up beer or cutting down on beer or abstaining from beer, let me explain something to you: shut the fuck up and have a beer, and buy me one too while you're at it.

p.s. there’s gonna be another p.s. after this, so just hold your horses. first of all, it’s hard enough to explain to people why the hell i’m in lithuania without giving up beer. that was my number two reason for christssake. getting by with the truth, a feeling of heritage, is just too bothersome except for really formal circles.

p.p.s. in class friday my students asked me my favorite beer, and i told them kalnapilis export, which is too bad though because nowadays it only comes in plastic bottles, and they burst out laughing and batman shouted “you drink beer from plastic bottles?!?!” i guess it’s like not classy for a professor or something?

Jackpot!

Last night I went to BIG (a mall with a super market, like most malls in LT) to get some pepperoni. I needed other things too, which I could get closer to home, but pepperoni I’ve only been able to find at BIG’s Iki (in Klaipėda; Vilnius used to have it around, but no more). They had it! I’d only gotten it once there, so I was afraid I might have gone there for naught. Oh boy did they have it, it isn’t even called “pipirinė dešra” anymore, now they actually call it pepperoni, “Solomono Pepperoni,” and it’s spelled right and everything! Oh boy! I took two immediately! I couldn’t imagine what to make with it, it’s been so long, I walked around the store for like an hour before I realized if I didn’t leave in five minutes I would kill myself. I would have liked to make a wrap but Klaipėda don’t got no wraps yet, so I made a tuna pepperoni salad sub. I was gonna use half a baguette, but then, at the last second (I had the bread on the cutting board and my knife poised), I said “fuck it!” and used the whole thing, minus the stale ends which I retained for soup. And I finally got foil last week too (they sell it in 10 meter rolls; why can’t I get like 600 yards at a time like in the states? Come on!), so I was able to wrap up the sub and put the whole thing in the oven…oh my God I’m still shuddering about how amazing it was!

Afterwards I had this phone conversation with my special lady:

SL: How are you?
I: I’m so unbelievably good!
SL: Why, what happened?
I: I found pepperoni!!!
SL: What’s that?
I: It’s this really amazing sausage that I really like.
SL: Somehow I’m not surprised…

Me? I'm scruffy.

I've become unkempt. When my hair is short and my face is shaven I don't have to do anything after I get out of the shower besides drying off an dressing. However, I got my last haircut in November, or possibly even October, if I'm not mistaken, and since my special lady is not in Klaipeda, I don't shave no more either. It keeps me warmer and I don't got dick to impress.

But I still don't do anything with my hair or grotesque beard, which has been getting in my coworkers food and one cute coworker I came up behind thought I was a bear and freaked out so bad she fainted and she would have collapsed but I grabbed her really quick but in my haste I accidentally grabbed her tits and tore off her shirt and bra and now I got a law suit on my hands. Anyway, when my special lady comes for a weekend visit I shave, but that still leaves me with the bedraggled hair. That means most Wednesdays, when the beard starts growing back past the point of two-day-laziness my colleagues say, ką, vėl barzdą išaugini, and I say, whatever, and shrug. And they say I'm apšiaušęs, and then I say uh huh, whatever. But I have to get a hair cut now, cause now my special lady dropped a hint or two about me getting a hair cut. I don't remember her exact words, it was really subtle, something like "greičiau Tu varyk į tą prikeiktą kirpyklą, durniau Tu, apvėlęs kaip šlapia šluota, tuoj aš Tave nulupsiu su spygliuotu botagu!"

So, I'm thinking, I could get a haircut, or, I could start doing my hair like Al Swerengen, including the beard, why not? What do you think? I'm not sure how to do it, it looks like he uses vegetable oil. And I'm not sure my hair is curly enough, do I have to get it permed? How about a little advice here, huh guys? Please? Give give give, that's all I ever do on this blog.

Half weekend

Oh, we got half weekends in Lithuania, you better believe it. Yes, we're just that retarded. That's exactly how retarded we are. If you wedged a rock through the part of my brain responsible for making rational decisions, and left it there with a battery inside that made it give the other parts of my brains occasional shocks to make them not work properly either , and a doctor tested me to find out how retarded I was, not knowing about my opinions or the procedure with the rock, this woud be his diagnosis: "this patient is half-weekend retarded."

When a holiday falls on Tuesday or a Thursday, the day between it and the weekend is usually made to be a holiday also. That is great, right, four day weekend? Yeah, great except for two things:

1. You gotta make up for the lost day of work on the preceeding Saturday.
2. The changes have to be signed in by the President of Lithuania (this is how it was explained to me, I'm sure the process was greatly exagerated to place blame somewhere I can't reach) and he doesn't get to that generally until a few days before hand, meaning I only have a few days to incorporate a working-Saturday into my schedule.

Here's why that's wicked stupid, besides the last minute aspect which is obviously unacceptable. I have two Fridays in a row. I specifically create my class schedule in a way that puts the most time between classes, so students have something to do between them. When they got one evening to read something, be it grammar or literature, they don't have time, and if they do have enough time to read, they don't have enough time to prepare homework, nor even to formulate ratiocinative questions. So on Friday II all you can do, really, is show them The Big Lebowski and hope they get at least 1/4 of the jokes.

The other reason why it's not just silly or stupid but actually retarded in the clinical sense, as in "only a mentally retarded person would want this" is that, why don't we just take Friday off instead of Thursday, and leave the fucking preceeding weekend alone? If this custom of working on a Saturday to get a long weekend later is good and right, why don't we do that every week, and then every fifth week we can all have a week long vacation? Because nobody wants that, and nobody would force that upon everybody, except for somebody who is clinically retarded, in the clinical sense, when all most people want is two days off a week (that's why the current non-holiday week system is set up that way, duh).

Saturday felt normal, cause I was in work mode, but then Sunday felt like Saturday, and right now I feel like I ought not be at work. Well, at least I'm making up for it by spending half my day bitching, right? :D

The most important question ever asked by man on this planet or any other

Does anybody know how to make Teta Lijolė's pancakes? The ones she used to wrap around varškę, which is usually the role of blyneliai, but hers were too thick and crunchy to call blyneliai. I need to make them this weekend or I'm gonna die, so if you got the recipe, hook me pronto!

Physiological liquid

Sontact solution, that is to say, Contact solution, is very expensive in Lithuania, the cheapest I can find is 114 lits/liter ($154/gallon). However, my mother once told me she was able to find reasonably priced contact solution by visiting every pharmacy in Kaunas. I thought I better try it myself in Klaipeda, because walking around is better than working. This little hole in the wall place I went to, when I asked them for contact solution, they offered me "physiological liquid." I was like, "this is for contact lense storage?" "Sure." "It probably doesn't clean them though, right?" "No, but people keep their lenses in it." The price was less than one tenth of contact solution. "Well," I told her, "I've gotta give this a try!"

So anybody that wants me to see her again ever better hurry up and send me some photos, cause tonight my lenses go in the shit, tomorrow they go back on my eyeballs, and God only knows what will happen!

biggest tele2 sąskaita ever

so my cell phone bill for january is 81 lits. they've generally been 40-60. why the jump? partly because of master's classes, which take some organizsation via the phone to get straight what when and where. however, the biggest jump is a 44.8% increase in sms, up to 391. This is intersting. It's due to about ten days of romancing my special lady at the end of January. Is this increase arithmatic or geometric? If it's arithmatic I can look forward to about 670 sms this month. If it's geometric, 822. If it's exponential, God help me...

Volume II of the Cottage Cheese Kick

So just for a little background, I bought some food for breakfast at my special lady's place Sunday, including cottage cheese, which I hadn't had in probably like a year. Maybe more. It's kind of expensive, actually, 2.29 per serving. Unless I'm eating five servings at a time...

Anyway, I fell in love with it instantly, and then, when I mixed in my special lady's home made strawberry preserves, I thought I would die from ecstacy! Possibly, I did, and after you die you just keep living the same life, like in that movie, I See Dead People, except that nobody is ignoring me (no more than usual, anyway).

Also when I told my students about this, and explained what a "kick" is, one girl was like, "why do you care so much about food?!" besides being an avid food eater, i'm always overly dramatic with my students about everything, because otherwise they fall asleep.

So I have indeed taken up my own suggestion of skipping a hot breakfast in favor of cottage cheese. Luckily, my special lady gave me the preserves, since she doesn't eat them herself (she's crazy, they're like jarred orgasms!). Delicious as my breakfast was, it's only 10:30 and I'm already wondering what's for lunch (which is especially pathetic, because I know what's for lunch: shit.). Either that's because I ran out of apples for breakfast in bed so I just drank all my juice (boy did that make a mess; drinking juice in bed is not as easy to do while you're sleeping as eating an apple), or my stomach has some adjusting to do.

Does this fall under Murphy's Law?

After a week of phone torture, I found my guarantee. Two nights ago I was ridiculously stupid enough to think "eh, I'll find it in the morning." BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! But last night I found it!
Today after work I was planning to take it to be fixed...but now the fucking thing works like a charm! No problem all day long! For a week it didn't work longer than fifteen minutes, including having to call a rather upper level person 11 times for a 20 minute conversation, and now that I'm able to get it fixed--poof! Problem gone! WTF I says!

the tip of my nose

jesus christ, the tip of my nose is so ichy, i been scratching it hard for like 20 minutes and it still itches, what the hell???

The most boringest post ever, I strongly advise you not to read it!

This morning I started breakfast in bed, to which I've grown accustomed: an apple between snooze alarms. What, you don't eat in your sleep? It's totally the efficient way to be.

Then I had this big dilemmal. I only wake up at 7, and for the last week and a half I have to be at the post office every morning at 8ish every morning to send snail mail to somebody special (not Grampa, his letters are monthly, not daily). This means I have to skip something to not be late for life--either shower or breakfast, actually both. I always skip the shower now, since the only person I need to smell good for is in Vilnius.

I go to the kitchen and eat cottage cheese mixed with black current jelly (I'm on a very serious cottage cheese kick). I'm debating making hot sandwiches, which has become my staple breakfast. Man, they're so good, holy shit! But I don't need to be late for work, especially since I may or may not ahave class beginning at 8:30, I can't remember (it turned out that I did). While I ate the cottage cheese I changed my mind like ten times, going over plans including eating the sandwiches on the bus or at work (which I've done before) to save time. In the end I decided "Fuck it, I'm not even hungry."

Now...here's another boring idea...if I got used to this...an apple and cottage cheese for breakfast...then I could just eat hot sandwiches for dinner and not get too bored...I'd save money and only have to go to the store twice a week, maybe less...

I JUST REMEMBERED! Last night I dreamt that I left raw ground beef out and it went bad but I starting eating it anyway, raw, because I felt bad throwing it away...but then it was so rancid that I did throw it away.

p.s. if it seems like I'm droning it's because I'm in a meeting where I have to be but it isn't important, and thank God I have a lap top!

the friendly neighborhood cobberlers from armenia

so i heard about these two guys, from one of the receptionists at my college, who work at the market (the new one). she told me cause i was like ei kur man galėtu super pigiai ir maksimum kokybiškai batus sutaityti? and she was like ai žinai kur yra prie naujo turgaus tokie du gruzai...

so she thought they were georgian but they turned out to be armenian. what's the difference, though, right? so i go there with these black boots i baught wicked recently, november, but i destoryed them in less than two months. see, one was too small, so everytime i took it off i used the other boot to push down on the sole, i think that part's called the sole, no it's the heel. so the heel tore right off :(

i took the black boots (which are goofy anyway, they got these silver things that make them look like cowboy boots). anyway, i took the back boot there with my red sneakers which were also falling apart.

these guys are very friendly. they work in this tiny little gray hut. if i had to work in there with another person all day everyday, i don't think we would last through the first day. they're like two men trapped in a one man cubicle with hundres of shoes. after some friendly chit chat they're like "well, we could just glue the soles and heels back on, or we could hand sew them back on and glue them too."
"uh, is that better?"
"oh yeah, it's better. but hey, it's up to you."
"well, how much does that cost?"
"ten lits."
(i'm thinking ten lits? like, per stitch? i was expecting to pay at least 20 per shoe, probably 30, willingly 40 just for the gluing)
"ten lits...per shoe?"
"per pair!"
"okey dokey artichokey!"

i came back to get them a few days later, at the agreed upon time. one armenian is too ashamed to look me in the face. the other, shaking his head, looks at me and says "oi aras, oi aras, ątsįprąšau, ątsįprąšau, šenden ątėjo daug darbo..." the first armenian chimes in "DAUG DARBO!" i assured them i know exactly how that goes, it happens to all of us, i'll come back in a couple more days.

it felt good to forgive someone. maybe because they were so sincerely sorry. for once it wasn't a fuck-all pissant making excuses and me accepting them because i still want my shoes eventually.

Lucidly talking in my sleep

My special lady comes back to bed and I vaguely wake up:

I: Kas ten?
She: Kas?
I: Kas ten per sarasas?
She: Koks sarasas?
I: mmmmm
She: .....
I: Ten mano visi darbai...vienas kur Tu man padedi...
She: Ka Tu kalbi??
I: Kitas...mm...Tempus...vakar pateikiau paraiska...buvo gerai...susisiekiau su kolega...
She: KA?!
I: ...mmm...

Some people say you attain fluency in a language when you begin dreaming in it. I dream in whatever language I normally use to talk to the person I'm dreaming about. I guess I talk in my sleep with whatever language I normally use to talk to the person I'm sleeping with :p

They learn English so quickly

I got this one colleague, boy is she picking up the lingo (I don't know from where). Recently she learned a little English she loves to use. Every time she sees me, like five times a day, she says "Hi guys!"

I support all mockery, especially mockery of myself, but especially of differnt people

this is a good example of mocking people who are not like me, and i find it humorlicious, sort of.

if it turns out not to be funny, that's because i woke up at 3a.m. to get back to work on my paper. i'm not actually that far behind! :D

I'm a workaholic, but you wouldn't know it from looking at me or my work

So yesterday I handed in my Education Law paper, half document comparison and half pokyčių/kaitos analizė. I had to write it in Lithuanian so now I'm in Lithuanian mode and can't remember what that means in English. something about the particulars of change and development.

Also yesterday I started reading Capitalism and Freedom : Fortieth Anniversary Edition by Milton Friedman, which I have to write a judgement free 10 page book report on by Monday. Also in Lithuanian, which as most of you can probably imagine, is slightly more time consuming for me, and by slightly, I mean at least double.

The plan is (was) 40 pages per day of reading and two pages per day of writing. The reading is no problem. Reading in English and simultaneously summarizing without paraphrasing in Lithuanian takes slightly longer than I expected, and this time by slightly, I mean quadruple.

So I work late and wake up at five and take a full dose of my meds, which I haven't done in at least two years, and I'm almost on schedule, actually, though now I can't tell the difference between the onion and the new york times anymore, but I don't have time for them anyway! :D

Also I'm drinking more coffee than usual (usual is 4-6 cups per day):D:D:D

In other news I'm going to a conference in Sweden!

SMS Inbox

Gedas: You know what extreme? To fart immediately after the shower without underwear

Lokys: You can never be too drunk to dance. Go Now.

Kristina: Aciu uz kvietima. Nezinau dar, ar galesiu dalyvaut toj romenu orgijoj :-)

Sarunas: Good Times?! As myliu “good times”! Men jag kan inte åka till litauen…hard et så bra.

Gedas: Are you coming got a lust for life

Lokys: Im Lokys and I have a huge butt hole with lots of feces

Sarunas: “giant sausage sandwich with mayo” is more than one word, but anyways, ewwwwwwwwww!

Gedas: I m drinking brandy, I think I’ll drink a gallon and see what develops

Lokys: Maybe it’s the beer talking but you got a butt that wont quit. They got these big chewy pretzels here apjgtmtdjwamjgtamjtgdgegkhmpx8majgjagdjamgajdgmgjpm 5 dollars? Get outta here!

Gedas: I say lets party Monday—2006, like it’s 2031.

Gedas: As jau tuoj busiu vilniuje, ka veiki big party time whale?

Aras: I was sleeping in my big whale sea cave.

Gedas: I was asleep too, in my tiny seashell apartment…

Somebody: Fuck mokykla, dauk geriau sikna!

Gedas: Bezdek ir bek kol niekas nepajuto, tada tikrai viskas ciki bus

Liepa (after I wrote her that sirvydas missed his flight again, just kidding): I totally believed you! I read it out loud to jokyr and dave in riga with my mouth wide open! P.s. riga rocks

Gedas: I do good, like an animal

Gedas: lets make it easier, one point for every punch in your snukis, and 5 points for every broken bone, who gets the most points win. You can do anything to earn points

Gedas: these Russian got me fuckin drunk on this fuckin train, they celebrate Christmas today you know

Lokys: although I am not young Frodo I do know something about the banana in your pants. I let it there in hopes it would soften bu the time you get back here and we could make banana bread

Gedas: pub crawling! You like that?

Bronius: jei reikia savaitgalio, tai pradek gerti siandien, nes kai mokslas pradeda maisyti alkoholiui, reikia mesti moksla!

(If you can’t wait for the weekend, start drinking today, because when you don’t have time for both school and alcohol, you gotta quit school!)

Juste: Fucking with men and sucking dicks made you a gay bastard, Madonna is ok

Name withheld (for my safety): I have a huge zit on my ass!

Gedas: leave donelaitis alone, its between me and you!

Lokys: So this one time at the Durham fair I was walking around with a friend when a stranger came up to us and gave us this flask and then passed out next to up. Anyway, we frank it and somehow got it into our heads that we should go cow tipping, but we failed and then the cows all started chasing us. We ran to the midway to try to get away but the cows kept chasing us. Then we got on the gravitron but he cows came on after us. when it started spinning fast enough the cows started walking towards us along the side but then it slowed down and the cows all fell over. So we figure mission accomplished and hurry on home.

Torture

Ever been head over heels? I am head over heels. And it's only been a week.

Put two and two together? H.O.H. + O.B.1W. = spending every possible minute together, and each impossible minute writing each other sms.

Yesterday she took off back to Vilnius, and yesterday my phone went insane, turning on and off, shooting through the menus of its own accord--it's on the blitz. I wasn't able to use it for several hours.

Those hours were torture.

I saw an sms, ooo I hope it's from her! I was able to open my inbox and see that it was from her--huzzah! "Opening messege..." this always takes forever, but this time it ended not with the opening of the sms but the begining of the crazy cell phone insanity--oh my God!

Oh man, I wish I was reading that sms...dammit...I turn my phone off, take out the battery and sim card, brush them off, and turn it back on again. I did this over and over again, about 35 thousand times, until on the way to the cell phone store I was able to work the phone long enough to read the sms, I was finally able to read it, YEAH! Hoorah! What a sweet sms...let's write a good one back now...oh, no, God NO!

The phone went back on the blitz before I was able to write back, so now I'm considering what would be more torturous: knowing you got an sms you were waiting for but not being able to read it (my former situation), or not getting one you were waiting for at all (her situation).

Not only was I unable to get in touch, not only was I deperately unfulfulling in my wish to make her smile as broadly as I just had, but this was the most crucial moment to be in touch. This is the moment where a clever woman (she is a very clever woman) would say to herself "well, ok, let's see how attentive this bozo is when he can't see/touch me..."

My torture was mitigated by finally getting a call through to explain my perdicament...Thank GOD!

Idiocy

I spilled some bleach on myself today. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands right away because I was about to handle clean laundry, but didn't wash it out of my blue sweatshirt (not the hoodie, the one with the pocket in the back). I went to the gym and noticed a whiteness cascading down the side of my sweatshit and though "Jeez, what is that milk, I'm such a freakin slob." I always dress down for the gym, as is logical, since I'm not going there to pick up women, but being covered in milk is a little over the line. Then I realized what it was...

Ends and Beginnings

Sesija (a semester's worth of master's classes in three weeks) is over. I already have the results of two courses: an 8 and a 9 (out of ten). I'm happy with that, since I don't have the prerequisites for a master's in educational management (a bachelor's in education), and i'm studying everything in a new language and a new atmosphere and a new system, each of which bears heavily on my ability to achieve.

There are still a couple essays and exams over the coming weeks, but now that classes are over i'll have time to prepare for them more realistically. So far half of what I've achieved has been through sheer wit (luck). Especially in education philosophy...Lemme explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up:

Day One. Because I have to do all my regular work anyway, I sit in lecures half listening and half working on my lap top on unrelated work. Add to that, half the time spent writing sms to my special lady. Do that math--something's getting dropped. So after about forty five minutes of not listening I hear "Can we get an American perspective on this, please?" I look around the room for other Americans, but alas, I am alone. I rack my brain (and casually put away my cell phone), and I recall some typically hair brained notion she mentioned about altruism at some point in the distant past. "While I...am not so...experianced in philosophy...as it pertains to education...I can definately say that I'm against altruism." The room is silent. I thought that would be engough to provoke a debate that would distract everybody from the fact that I totally ignored the actual topic, whatever that was. They didn't bite. But, my colleague Asta threw me a lifeline: "Aras is just being shy, or isn't thinking with the same terms you are. He makes philosophical remarks about Lithuania and its education system all the time." I grab on: "Well, I guess maybe what you're talking about as philosophy is just what I consider 'life itself'." Grand slam: everybody loved that comment! Then Asta and I moved on to my explaination of why altruism is practically a sin, or at least stupid. It was odd, they seemed to not grasp some rather rudimentary things about philosophy, even the professor. Maybe it's because I'm an objectivist, but I was beginning to fear that the Lithuanian translations of these terms may not acutally grasp their meaning (which is the case more often than not). Later, though, when I explained the conversation to my special lady (who is very Lithuanian indeed), she was taken aback that I would explain something so simple, which was very reassuring..."Aišku aš žinau, kad motina maitinant vaiką nėra altuizmas!"

Day Two. I came to class late, after the first break (90 minutes late) like every day since Monday, when I wanted to kill myself sitting there for five hours. It appears that each course (besides ed. management there's a few other groups) had been preparing to talk about something. Now it was time for the groups to stand up and present their results. Our group was big, and not everybody wanted to stand up and explain, so I, completely in the dark, stood up first and walked to the front of the room, followed by a few colleagues. On top of this, I spoke first, "Good morning and welcome to my group's presentation (I still didn't know the topic). Arturai, take it away." A few colleagues spoke (the topic was "when does one become an adult?"), and there were some responses from the audience, which I deftly tore to shreds...I felt like my colleagues were the judges and laweyers and I was the executioner. Additionally, the professor was inrigued by my unique (at least in this class) knowledge about America, and how it differs from Lithaunia philosophically, which I based on what my colleagues and the rest of the class said. The best part is afterward, when Asta says "Jesus, Arai, how the hell did you read that whole chapter in five minutes?!"

Super Birthday

Maybe the best ever. Here's what happened:

• I got a birthday sms from my special lady.
• I got card and chocolate bar from Klaipeda Hotel, to the club of which, Honolulu, I have a discount card.
• I got a card, thoughtful wishes, and a bottle of some kind of novelty polish liquor, from my office mates
• I got a plant and map of "the american world," (e.g. south america is "coffee and cocain," canada is "mooseheads," et cetera) from other colleagues, i.e. the young single women
• I got a ocketzides, i mean, pocketsized notebook with pen from my master's classmates (presumably ideal for cheatsheets...this whole nation is jam packeted, i mean, packed with cheaters)
• I got a call from Lokys and Liepa, and took a shot with each of them. Theirs was plain vodka, mine was hot pepper vodka from russia, which was very hot indeed.
• I got a call from Juste, Aurimas, Gedas, and somebody else, possibly Bronius, which was nice.
• I went out to dinner with my special lady. I ate a peppersteak, medium rare, which is what I always eat and always at the same place when I go out to dinner in Klaipeda--The Black Cat's Tavern II. She ate almost half a portion of Kepta Duona (an appetizer); she said she was nervous cause she hadn't been able to find anything to wear, although she looked absolutely stunning, unbelievably so, I couldn't take my eyes off her.
• After this she suggested we walk home. This is an hour walk in ~ -25° C (-13° F) weather, not counting the wind chill factor, right next to the sea! How can I say no to a girl, though? So we start doing this thing, freezing my balls off, pretending I'm not cold at all, until half way home she suggests calling a cab if I want to, and I say we can if she wants to, and we'd both love to call a cab but we can't decide who caved in, so we don't. Finally I decided to just be a man and cave in. I freezed my damn hand off making the phone call (two thumbs up on the gloves, Tete).

My Organizer

It's awesome, a life saver. Last night it reminded me to put my grade book in my lap sack ("laptop case" sounds too hoity-toity for me). If my cell phone hadn't reminded me, I surely would have forgotten. That would have been crappy, because i would have had to admit to not one, but two professors today, that I'm just stupid enough that I'll have to come back another time to have them write my grade in my book.

There was an odd one though. Also today was a reminder for "gift." For the past week I've been thinking wtf does that mean? Gift? I'm supposed to buy a gift for someone? I'd been racking my brain all week, and this morning, when the reminder went off at 7:30 a.m. it struck me. The reason it worked is that it went off exactly thirty seconds after I left home, so I realized it must be something I had at home and couldn't leave home without today: the coffee/choloclate/brandy my class bought for the professor with whom we have an exam today!

Corrospondence School Sucks

It's not actually corrospondence. It's two or three classes of week per semester, all the work done independently, i.e. at the last minute with mediocre results. Maybe this semester will be different now that I'm used to it, but so far I've learned nothing except how to smile and kiss ass, which I already knew, but I guess there's always room for improvement. Everybody tells me hey, don't worry, the only thing that matters is getting the diploma! I'd like to think there's more to it than that...

Ass Landing

I fell on my ass for the first time this year. I was walking down the street. At the edge of each curb there's big patches of ice, and this one street I crossed was slippery enough that I totally slipped and landed square on my ass. It didn't really hurt though, but there was somebody directly behind me. I didn't hear him snicker, but if I were he, I would have :(

I'm so funny it's not even retarded...or is it?

To be honest, I haven't dated any Klaipedians for many months, some number of months approaching double digits I believe, but not quite there yet. And last night was not a date either, but it was a female colleague in my home. As non-romantic as it was, I still did not want to seem like a slob (that is, I wanted to hide what a slob I am).

So since I've only dated Vilnietes for so long I stated keeping a slightly different style of interior decorating. Here's an example: instead of cleaning up used toilet paper rolls, I just leave them hanging around, on the grounds that it's "funny" to have a dozen of them around the bathroom.

Realizing last night that I had 45 minutes to eat, change, and clean up everything, including the toiletpaper rolls, I realized that I'm a retard. Luckily she was late!

The lesson is, do whatever you want, and don't worry about the consequences.

Requiem for a Gym

Last night on my beloved laptop I watched Requiem for a Dream for the first time. Man, that's one brutal movie. I had the lights off. Half way through I started feeling like maybe I'm dreaming, where am I, is this real?

Before I watched it I asked Liepa if she'd like to bring it to Vilnius next time I come, and now I understand her answer: "NO! After I saw it the first time I was depressed for days!" She's just dramatic, though; you should still see it. (shudder)

Oh, and here's a good idea for after the holidays: don't go to the gym. If you do, don't get on the scale! It's been about four five weeks since I've been to the gym and weighed myself, and in that time I've gained seven pounds! Holy shit! If I was five years younger I would find that amusing, but not anymore. And I've got the busiest few weeks of my life coming up, so gym time will be at a minimum for a while yet.

OH MAN MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!!

Here is my new Laptop!

It's so awesome, I can't even believe it! And it was on sale for Christmas time, so I got it even cheaper than in the states, which is unusual, plus I can get "up to 33%" back from the government somehow...

I got absolutely nothing with it, not even a, what's it called, carrying case? Nor a mouse, nor speakers...Mrs. Claus was late getting me her contribution, and the goddam piece of shit Bank of America, in an effort to protect me, cause me to loose vast amounts of time and money. I couldn't access a big lump of my money that I was counting on. In the end, by dropping all the accesories and borring money from my buddy I was barely able to get the thing. I was withing 7 dollars of not getting it, half way through the payment process (I paid in parts from several cards).

But hey, I can already watch/rip/burn DVDs, and write esseys, and that all I really need, so: my life is complete!

Sandwich Heater

I do not know if that's the propper term from my most useful Christmas present so far. My brother, lokys, and my sister, liepa, got this dealie where you put in two sandwiches or a quesadilla and close it and a few minutes later, voila, hot food with little or no clean up. It's so easy I brought my breakfast to work today. It's convenient esecially because I've recently gotten all egged out: I ate eggs for breakfast almost every day for three years (my colesterol is only 140). Now I'll eat grilled cheeses instead, except I don't have to watch them or flip them, so I can dress or somethign while they cook.

The most entertaining gift was from the Tete, the first season of Deadwood, somewhat confusing to get into, but engaging by the end of the first episode.

The most mind-boggling gift was from Sirvydas, a My Little Pony, along with My Little Pony Story Book. He refused everybody's requests to explain this, claiming that we had to "think about it."

Something even more useful/entertaining/mind-boggling is yet to come, today according to plan, a collaborative effort between me and Mrs. Claus...

Das Holidas

Christmas Eve was a bigger orgy than Thanksgiving. I was destroyed after the thanksgiving meal, I felt like a piece of crap I over ate so much. But this time was so bad Liepa and I both felt like we were going to barf, we were sprawled out in the living room before dessert was even served. The highlights included Christamas Cod, Silvija's Marinatated Mushrooms, and Liepa's Birch Branch.

Christmas Day wasn't quite as orgiful--Orange Glazed Duck and potatos baked in the drippings. Just as delicious, but not as plentiful.

Christmas II was good too, lots of gims came, including some I hadn't seen for ten years or more, who knew me from Soviet times, and reminised about me jumping out of their apartment windows and rolling around on the dirty side walks of Vilnius in 1988.

Several Party Days followed, all the way to New Years Eve, which was totally cool. Party at Aido place first, which was fun as always, lots of fun faces, and a host not neglecting to pour everybody doubles and triples, whether they like it or not! Bravo. The only bummer there is we were late leaving because of a drunk asshole who came with a friend of Liepa's who refused to leave when we were trying to make it to the Katedra for the fireworks. We were therefore a little late, but it was still crowded when we got there, people drinking and singing. Then we went to a club, New Orleans, which was cool, except nobody was impressed with my pants. They're pink. I bought them in Austria ant prikolo. I thought they would attract some glances, draw some attention, but if they did I certainly didn't notice. Possibly in addition to being pink they also make me invisible.